Monday, January 26, 2015


I wish we could all just be OK with not being in love with someone the same way they are with us and via versa. Deal with it & keep life moving. At least be loving & care not to waste someone's time. Let them find something real. People are selfish though, aren't we? We want the validation someone could care for us madly, so we float in their goodness, even if we don't reciprocate, we soak it up & take, take, take...and we allow ourselves on the other side to continue giving more goodness than is warranted because we either hope for something bigger, or we care so much about that other person we are for a time OK with giving and giving. It's like The Giving Tree, until only a stump to rest upon remains & we care so much, we're happy for the company.
Y'all. No more settling. No more giving so much without reciprocity. I've got rad friends & family. I'd rather give my giving to them. I love them, they love me. I'd rather read books & take a country drive singing at the top of my lungs alone & create friendships of substance sans romance. Have friend dates, because dates are fun & a reason to dress up is always acceptable to me. This lil' hearts, guarded. It's going to take a mighty man to move from friend to more...and I'm happily content to saturate in all the goodness of conversations with many.  Flirting with quite possibly any...the simple, carefree bliss of security in no more heartbreaks for awhile...especially not over guys who never really got just how amazing I am anyway, even if I put my whole effort into reminding them of their best parts. 

I know I'm getting all ranty, but...It's just...things don't always have to lead to something. The single world post 30 is weird & either thirsty for a relationship or so happy to hop from one body to the next a relationship can't ever form, nor is really wanted in many cases. Why would you want responsibility & accountability when easy is so widely available? Can we just be friends? Is that like a thing? Can we flirt & treat each other like we're the shit and not bang...or maybe bang but still not have expectations until there are actual big feelings (I get it, we shouldn't bang without feelings... sometimes feelings are relevant even if they aren't "Omg, Marry me!" & sometimes, you just want to bang & with someone you care about, not a dickweed moving from body to body, using life & the people in it to fill & fill some place that can't be filled... I have no judgements, you make your choices, I make mine). Can we be adults & have respectful adult conversations? Make our wants unashamedly known & own our choices, good, bad, or otherwise? Give people room to do the same?

Be loving. Even if we aren't in love...
Is that a thing? Am I the only one who just wishes we could be authentic more often about where we are, even if that's different from one another? If we really care we'll catch up, or spread appropriate wings & really isn't caring what matters? Like, making someone fit a role we want for them which they may not want isn't caring, nor is playing the part of some role because you want the benefits.

Inspiration for this rant bright to you by:

Loving or In love?

Wednesday, January 07, 2015

My dearest village...

Thought catalogue has done it again! So much goodness in hindsight. I'm thankful for being a late bloomer in the dating world & for the adventures with my lifelong DGB girls, friends since middle & high school & all of the amazing, completely platonic gay & straight male friends who live with respect for friendship & for me. I'll be honest, I'm a lil' misty thinking on such bountiful blessings regardless of how romance has turned out or will turn out. It's good to know and like yourself well & to have a huge group of people who remind me in their strong relationships that it's possible to find the right thing & also that if I don't it's possible to be happy & carefree with a future void of steady companionship- that the zeal for life and hunger for experience isn't only quenched with the picture of what growing old "should" look like, rather in living every day from now till then complete in the vulnerability and comfort of friends & family. There's not much such intensely deep relationships lack that any single person needs. Thanks for being people who help ward off desideratum with texts, calls, unexpected snail mail, hugs, flowers, offers to take out the trash, set the clocks back, blow up the air mattress, answer the phone in the wee hours of the night & let my heartbreak be ugly in front of you...clear your schedules & drive hours to spend just a little time in the comfort of longevity that our friendship has afforded us in life. I honestly couldn't be happily single without most of you... It takes a village to let the one who is alone settle into life lacking lonely. Man, I'm one very lucky girl to have y'all!

Sometimes tears and sad come on like a flash flood because it's normal for loss to stick with you. I've had moments in the last three years that I didn't know if I cared to "keep swimming" & lacked direction, purpose, care for much of anything. I've looked the loss of my faith & much of the stability it afforded in the face & although I've not & probably never will have that part of life comfortably at peace, it's not so ugly & neither am I in the way the anger of losing that manifests itself. Disappointment has taught me that hope is profound & expectations are unfair... usually self serving. Losing in love has honed the ability to listen to my gut & that it's OK to be selfish in some ways. Steadfast friends have truly taught me unconditional in a way I didn't understand I was worthy of. So, thanks. It's such a small word but certainly carries a depth of gratitude I can't express another way.

Sound thoughts at any age of single. Anyone have more to add or want to remind me why I'm awesome for the days I would really like to hear it from someone other than myself?

Thought catalogue inspiration: