Today I wrote more cutting words than I normally allow. Anger is an emotion I prefer to keep in check, certainly not one I share publicly... my counselor challenged me to write the stuff I'd been protecting & share it if I was able. I found some uglies and have them wings. So angry about so many huge, huge can't ever be the same things.
It felt good to say my peace, but really. we all have faults and mine are many- I try to live out the consistency of grace. Although it was a release, it threw off my whole equilibrium. I felt sick most of the day & concentration was hard. Sure that stuff has changed me & hurts deeply, but there's good to find in everything. I'm a better, less judgmental person.
It was a prudent exercise, but I prefer the positive remain my focus. I don't want to become someone who allows often an unbridled tongue. I'd quite rather remain a woman with a voice who says ny peace & lets it be done. Words have value and finding fault is a dime. I'd rather say the good if I may... Even if the cost to me is great. I don't want to perpetuate hate. My mom gave my Dad plenty of ammunition to retaliate with absolutely warranted fuel. He just didn't. Rarely if ever did he speak bad of her although she tore our world apart. I want to be that way. I respect that far more than i would've the opposite. I'll dig for the harder stuff to say because life's really better giving good away.
Right now. I'll be honest, I'm really sad, but there's a whole lot more life out there waiting for me & I'm not missing a second more in the gray place. The deeper you go, the harder it is to climb out, so- fake it till ya make it. I know that the real joy will follow if I just keep pushing through this tough stuff.
Tomorrow's brand new & one of these days the smile will be real again. It'll just happen all in its own because that's what if feed & that's what will grow.