Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Today I wrote more cutting words than I normally allow. Anger is an emotion I prefer to keep in check, certainly not one I share publicly... my counselor challenged me to write the stuff I'd been protecting & share it if I was able. I found some uglies and have them wings. So angry about so many huge, huge can't ever be the same things.

It felt good to say my peace, but really. we all have faults and mine are many- I try to live out the consistency of grace.  Although it was a release, it threw off my whole equilibrium. I felt sick most of the day & concentration was hard. Sure that stuff has changed me & hurts deeply, but there's good to find in everything. I'm a better, less judgmental person.

It was a prudent exercise, but I prefer the positive remain my focus. I don't want to become someone who allows often an unbridled tongue. I'd quite rather remain a woman with a voice who says ny peace & lets it be done. Words have value and finding fault is a dime. I'd rather say the good if I may... Even if the cost to me is great. I don't want to perpetuate hate. My mom gave my Dad plenty of ammunition to retaliate with absolutely warranted fuel. He just didn't. Rarely if ever did he speak bad of her although she tore our world apart. I want to be that way. I respect that far more than i would've the opposite. I'll dig for the harder stuff to say because life's really better giving good away.

Right now. I'll be honest, I'm really sad, but there's a whole lot more life out there waiting for me & I'm not missing a second more in the gray place. The deeper you go, the harder it is to climb out, so- fake it till ya make it. I know that the real joy will follow if I just keep pushing through this tough stuff.

Tomorrow's brand new & one of these days the smile will be real again. It'll just happen all in its own because that's what if feed & that's what will grow.

Goodnight.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=26U_seo0a1g&feature=youtu.be

Masquerades N' Game

You need to sleep with virgins when you're terrible in bed.
I could fuck a porn star and still give him something he ain't had.

Took my first kiss, my virgin everything was yours. Held out for my "dream".
Treated my treasure like trash-
waiting to hear if it's cancer, you left, didn't check back
Called me slut for being pretty... Even though you were my only-
could've lived like you from the pulpit.
Pretend.
Ugly.

Eat a whole damn buffet, preach on moderation. nah-
eat a dick
You & your masquerade make me
Sick
Better pay those unclaimed taxes quick.
Lie to me
can't fool
Uncle Sam.
Maybe she'll be less of a bitch than I
am.
Void of real, you fester in wishes
stripped this girl of all innocent
Intentions
Took my naïvetay
-and-
God
away
You'll be asked of Him about that someday.
He's not the monster you paint
Rules, regulations, controlling saint
I'm not the worthless bride
ever steadfast at your lazy side.

Masks & smoke & mirrors
Bastard men with no leaders
Speak of love
Act in self
No idea what this emotions about
Walking through life protecting yourself

You need intimacy with everyone-
can't stand to be alone, dry, unquenchable
soul
incomplete.
Not whole.
-I-
could be an island of one, knowing the gift-
true value
of my own company.
Not thirsty for someone to complete me.
Whole
even in my insecurities.

First Jennelle, next Emily,
then...
I still had love after the pain
a case of the dumbs-
we tried...
again-
you couldn't commit
still.
I knew I loved you
tried harder
counseling-
We survived.
Aphton, Gwen & Leila too... No physical with any, this I believed. Still wasn't your all
This I deserved & need(ed)...
Keisha's my latest heart enemy- unquenchable hunger you must feed.
gave you even more,
let you see it all
raw
Me
to
the
core.
Thought you could love-
maybe you can...
you're just not a one woman man.

Teammate, nah-
Ex you choose to speak
So ex you have
&
the story will go
On to the next
is all you know
Best friend?
Could've been.

Love doesn't always win
shouldn't have to be a fight
number one is a person's right
Choose yourself
or
choose another
to succeed love must be the latter
actions lived out
self sacrifice,
Protection
is
love manifest
Unconditional, yes-
Eventually
With longevity
Of care
For Me
never
second-
best

I can...
stay.
Someday.
I will.
Maybe there are more lessons- still?
I'll learn there are men who do what they say,
say what they do.
live a life holy, wholly true
think of me in all they do
protect that prize
although-
it wasn't either of you.

Masks & smoke & mirrors
Bastard men with no leaders
Speak of love
Act in self
No idea what this emotions about
Walking through life protecting yourself.

I don't hate, nor fault you for this
never been taught
what love is
If I could've taught you I would, maybe I have...
and.
In the absence of real, it's something you'll now
be?
Teaching love is tricky
for...
by default I'm a student too.
It's hard when all you can give
is
love for you-
so
I
gave
-and-
you took
Which is why I couldn't stay.
To teach love true...
Be unconditional.
For you can only give
so much
if
no one is also filling your cup.
It's my hope
that we've left more balanced than we came
&
that we can be better people- from this pain.
If not.
It's all in vain.
Just-

Masks & smoke & mirrors-
people with no leaders
Speak of love
Act in self
If I stayed,
I feared to become.
unlearn Pop's best teaching-
go around hurting every. one.
No idea what this emotions about
Walking through life protecting myself.