Rarely do I wish to be a Mom. It's something for a long time that I wanted most (not necessarily to birth a child, but to be a mom), then it kind of just settled in me that for this time in life it's not at all a good fit & I'm happy with it no matter how indefinite this time table. I think a part of me wanted to prove that I could do it well... like my mom when we were little...but with the consistent love to carry it through to adulthood, like my Dad. Maybe seeing my sister get her stuff together and get it right settles it some? To her defense, she had a good hand in raising me & I feel it completely normal she needed some of her adult years to make some childish decisions. She's turned into an amazing mom and wife...even for all the things we just don't see eye to eye on. I digress...
Rarely do I want to be in charge of anyone other than myself daily. When something pings that womanly mom spot...I stop, give thanks for the cool friend/family in my world who's doing it right that gave me this thought, I let myself have that weighty grief which let's other losses float to the top for a second too... and I pray to a God I often question more than easily commune with.
I don't even know that I believe in His existence or presence on many days. I believe in something, sure, just giving that one exclusive name and set of ideas from a body of people who dedicate their lives to a book most have never read in full...I digress again.
I say this to say, I have some awesome (in this case) women in my life who are doing it right & it just bubbled some thankful up in me that I needed to get out. Someday that thankful will come with less grief I think and even less explanation, but for today... It's the whole shabang & I'm OK with that too.