Saturday, July 12, 2014

Sad day but I've come a long way.

I like, nay love, my life these days.  Mostly because I create a life I love! Since separating in June a couple years ago & going through the odd navigation of a divorce, I've learned so much & although it was some damn hard work I'd never want to wish on someone... Here on the other side I'm so light hearted & absolutely stronger.

I've always been "bubbly" and someone who easily gives from a selfless place. That selflessness has been my largest obstacle to understand and overcome in life I think. It's certainly a blessing to be vulnerable, giving and kind... but sometimes that's come at the cost of my own wants, needs and happiness. I never understood how giving could be a bad thing. Giving is who I am. I found a lot of my identity in being a giver. What do you do when that's gone or how do you still feel valued changing who you are? You love yourself. That's how.

You know, nature explains a lot I think in understanding bigger life concepts. Giving blood is life saving. It's great to give blood, but you only give as much as is still healthy and safe for your own body. Giving more would make you sick, or dead. You only give when your body is healthy & if you've had something majorly impacting happen, you must wait before you can give to ensure what you're giving is healthy for the recipient. I don't know if you've ever given blood, but when I do, if the nurse can't get the vein or is hurting me, I'm only going to let them do that a couple times before I ask for someone else to try, or decide today isn't the day to give. I'm not going to keep letting them hurt me when I'm trying to do something good. One time I didn't do that & I swear I have permenant nerve damage... Also something to parallel... If we don't speak up & set our boundaries it can cause long term damage. Not necessarily because the other person intended harm or is harmful to everyone...I'm sure that nurse does a fine job, just not the right fit for helping me.

That's when I realized. I was in life giving too much & because of it I was unhealthy. I had given beyond myself and in the process made myself sick, possibly even nearly dead. Today, I'm more likely to cut people out of my life who hurt me. I'm more likely to put boundaries in place that protect my happy, even if it means not giving to provide happy for someone else. This would have made me feel so selfish before! It's not selfish to take care of yourself. You can't help others if you don't do that! Why do you think on planes you're told to put your own mask on before helping others should there be an emergency?

Oh, I still give...I just give within healthy limits that don't sacrifice myself fully to do so. Hard, hard lesson to learn. I think my marriage would've been much different if I were more aware of that fault in myself. Not that it would've been saved... There were more things going on there that aren't necessary to go into.  It's a balance, people have also got to be self aware to not take more than they are replenishing in relationships as well, if they aren't that's where talks of needs come in and these boundaries if respectful changes aren't fulfilled. After two years it's freeing to own mistakes and also be a stronger more confident woman who sews goodness into the world with more realistic colored glasses.

Here's to you friends, who build me up and let me lean when I need to, who are there no matter the time of day and for whom I have gotten the blessing of doing the same for. I enjoy knowing my existence is needed by others sometimes and I'm so lucky to have the network of awesome that I do from coast to cost.

Just a little happy to think on in the midst of some loss and chaos these days. XoXo

Saturday, July 05, 2014

Ramblings

Rarely do I wish to be a Mom. It's something for a long time that I wanted most (not necessarily to birth a child, but to be a mom), then it kind of just settled in me that for this time in life it's not at all a good fit & I'm happy with it no matter how indefinite this time table.  I think a part of me wanted to prove that I could do it well... like my mom when we were little...but with the consistent love to carry it through to adulthood, like my Dad. Maybe seeing my sister get her stuff together and get it right settles it some? To her defense, she had a good hand in raising me & I feel it completely normal she needed some of her adult years to make some childish decisions. She's turned into an amazing mom and wife...even for all the things we just don't see eye to eye on. I digress...

Rarely do I want to be in charge of anyone other than myself daily. When something pings that womanly mom spot...I stop, give thanks for the cool friend/family in my world who's doing it right that gave me this thought, I let myself have that weighty grief which let's other losses float to the top for a second too... and I pray to a God I often question more than easily commune with.

I don't even know that I believe in His existence or presence on many days. I believe in something, sure, just giving that one exclusive name and set of ideas from a body of people who dedicate their lives to a book most have never read in full...I digress again.

I say this to say, I have some awesome (in this case) women in my life who are doing it right & it just bubbled some thankful up in me that I needed to get out. Someday that thankful will come with less grief I think and even less explanation, but for today... It's the whole shabang & I'm OK with that too.