Friday, January 24, 2014

Rise Above.

I've overcome a lot of obstacles in life. I've worked hard to be where I am. I'm beautiful and not because of the way I look. I'm a fighter and I will fucking crawl and claw my way to what I want in life... Regardless of the pace at which I attain my goals...the factors that may be adversary to my focus...I will not be complacent. I will not give up. I will not let self defeating thoughts lead to compromising actions. I. Me... am in control of this one life on the planet & I only get one. I will look the shit storm of chaos that's got me in a funk right now in the face and tell it to fuck off because I've had far worse times in life & I know I'm blessed where I am right now. I know I'll be blessed should harder times come. I'll keep in perspective that winter impacts my jolly demeanor and do what I need to perk up. I will be as regimented as I want and prioritize what gets done in my day so that I'm less stressed... Even if MY priorities seem odd to others. I won't say yes when no is needed. I will stop feeling guilty if things aren't perfect and allow myself a little bit of grace to celebrate all that's good... I'm thankful my teammate helps with perspective & reminds me often of reasons I'm rad... having a steadfast cheerleader when I'm overwhelmed is  immeasurably important, I need that. I will be ok to admit that I don't want to do life alone. I will give myself grace to grieve regardless of timelines. I will be confident that life will become what I make it into & that this will align with what I want.  I'm overall a positive thinker and I will cheer myself on more the way that I so easily do for others. I got this. I will trust that the Lord is doing a good work in me and remember that He knit me together with purpose, that I'm blessed with each new day, that my purpose has not yet been made complete & there's reason for the breath He's given me for today. I will be present in the gift of life and I will soak in the peace of doing good. I will allow the questions I have with God because at least I'm open to Him. I will not let judgmental assholes define my character based on their petty checklists, nor will I defend myself when my life doesn't stack up- for MY God looks at my heart & this heart is clean. I will say fuck off if needed because it helps me focus on how little significance some words and situations have on my reality. I will drink and swear and pray and praise all in the same minutes of a day because my spiritual journey allows the fullness of who I am & doesn't exist with boundaries that say those things can't be. I will allow myself to smile fully and laugh from my belly in boisterous song. I will sing off key, wrong words, out of tempo & do so happily because I'm hearing the words as I go & letting them speak to something that may need that word. I will uplift and encourage others no matter where my headspace is in a day because we all can complain, but life comes in the sweet spots of appreciation... because we can all find our own faults and need reminders of goodness. I will be the best, the only Mindy May Spencer ever created because she's one kick ass girl, no changes needed.

And now you know a snipit of how my bathroom mirror peep talks go. How do yours sound?

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Teammates & mutual sacrifice

The one quality I've long known to be important in making any romantic “relationship” work in my world is mutual sacrifice.  That’s probably because it’s the one thing I have found to be lacking at the demise of any relationship I thought was worthwhile at one time or another.   I think it’s because I’m a giver when I've decided to invest in a relationship and I want to have someone by my side that can set other priorities aside and make me the TOP priority sometimes.  Not because I've asked for that, but because he knows me, sees a need in my life he can meet or a burden he can make lighter and wants to be there. 

Charles hit the game winning run, knocked it out of the park Monday when he offered to forgo his trip to Cali, forgo another option to hang with his boys in Tampa and forgo an actual good night’s sleep to help me drive Alex home safely.  I had a headache for 3 days (which he didn’t know about because I hadn’t said anything about it…just wanted a fun trip for Alex).  On Monday after already canceling Cali, he was looking into Tampa when he realized how bad my headache was (I had said I had the headache, but still hadn’t complained much, just noted that it was there and I wanted some rest before I got on the road).  He decided that he didn’t want me to have to drive 8 hours with my head hurting like that, booked a flight from Pittsburgh to Boston to Philly…with a layover OVERNIGHT in the Boston airport. 

Few times in my life have I felt that kind of selflessness from someone I love.  Not because I asked him, not because I made him feel as though he had to, but just because he wanted to lighten the burden and make the drive easier.  He drove 5 hours of the trip, had an hour/hour and a half flight, then about 10 hours in the airport (there was a snow storm & leaving for a hotel or booking a later flight would have meant possibly missing his flight to Philly…which is not an option in his probationary time period on the new job, so he stayed all night in Terminal B 37/38 before catching a wicked early flight back to Philly.  On regular every day things that make me feel loved, it’s time and touch…the things that go above and beyond the easy and comfortable…that’s the sweet spot that says “See how much you mean to me?”  Actions, y’all.  I don’t care if he wouldn’t have said “I love you!” one time on that trip.  I mean, I’m glad he did ;), but I don’t need that.  I needed help, help that I wouldn’t have ever asked of him because I would feel it too selfish of a request.

He’s not my boyfriend…for all purposes in the conventional sense that other people need a label; sure, he’s better than that though.  I’ve had boyfriends, heck…I’ve had a husband.  It’s better than whatever I’ve had because he’s my teammate.  A teammate is someone who wants a win for the team, not for themselves.  It’s one who sees the end goal and wants to help others get there as well as allow themselves to be helped to get there.  THAT you guys is amazing.  Who knows what will come of all this? Who needs a plan? I’m so so very happy to not rush, to not get caught up in roles and expectations and to learn a way that makes this love bigger than feelings.  To put our own label on us that works for us and keeps our path focused on the goal…helping each other succeed, helping each other be the best version of ourselves, helping one another be ourselves fully in the presence of the one we love, no masks, no secrets, no judgment.

This isn't the first thing ever he’s done that was so kind, but it is the first time that there was really NO reward for him in going the extra mile.  It was hassle after hassle and a sleepless night on a cold, hard floor to make sure Alex and I were as safe as he could and to make sure that his responsibilities in his own world were tended to properly.  What a man.  That’s a sexy ass manly man trait right there and I have no shame about shoutin’ it because that’s something every man should aspire to.  My Dad was a man of much sacrifice and that is one quality I will never compromise on…because it is in the times when things are toughest, that you really NEED someone…in those times it’s when you see their true heart.  The heart that I saw, the passion and drive to make this happen, to take care of me when I needed it but wasn't willing to admit it or to ask…yeah.  That is the kind of thing I've always wanted.  That’s romance to me…way more than flowers or candy or kind words.  Those things are easy.  Those things take 2 seconds from a day and can be given with the same flippant disregard of cherishing anything…they can mean something more, I’m not going on too big of a rant here, but I think you know what I’m saying. Bonus?  You know how much road trips with him are my favorite! He did rap for me, got Alex to spit a lil’ rhyme and had me smiling from ear to ear.  It sustains the unsettled places in me and fortifies us bigger than the distance.  He’s a good man.  I am a very lucky woman.