Sunday, December 15, 2013

Love Wins.  It always wins.

I heard this morning that Nick and Kendra got engaged last night.  Funny how quickly something like that gets back to you when you’ve no actual contact in life pretty much at all.  It just happened last night from what I hear…I didn’t hear much.  Just that it happened.  I don’t care about the details. Okay, maybe I do a little but mostly because at one time Kendra and I were friends and Nick and I were too and out of that nostalgia, it would be great to hear the romance of it, because I’m happy for them both.  I’m happy that he was able to heal the hurt from losing our marriage…it should’ve been a lifetime and that it wasn’t will always sting.  I don’t for a second regret finding the courage to end our marriage.  The fact that it’s not even been a year since the divorce was final and he’s ready to commit to a new forever is AWESOME! I am wholeheartedly happy for the two of them to make life together.  I did not love Nick as a wife should love a husband and I don’t believe he loved me with the love a husband should have for his wife either.  I don’t think either of us went into being married with this knowledge and I don’t think he left our marriage feeling that way either…but if I can tell you anything it’s that if he has learned love anew in his own way (I have certainly) that kind of love outshines the thing that we had even on its best of days, and we absolutely had some pretty great days.

Learning of his engagement hasn’t been all roses and I really wanted to spew some old venom that seeped up, but bitterness isn’t the way to have joy in life.  I was even going to write about the things I wanted to write in vague detail and how I was going to take the high road.  Thankfully, I’ve met my maker again anew as well…and that love has transformed me differently also.  So, after a bit of time and a heart check with him before I uttered a word, He quieted my restless soul, comforted my hurty places, and is working me through the angry parts…not because it’s the high road but because it’s the loving road, and I’m convinced above all that love always wins if we let it.

I left work early today (customers were extra crabby, I was angry over old thoughts and lingering burdens…and I just knew I shouldn’t be there…the system crashed and our online only team ended up taking calls ½ the shift…THANK YOU GOD I LEFT…there’s no way I could have handled calls today) and went to my friend “Momma Janet’s” house.  She’s a tough cookie with a softness that can only come from God after what life has given her.  It was exactly the reminder I needed to dwell in Him.  To keep the good stuff in mind and let the hard stuff go.  It was the reminder I needed of how fortunate I was in a lot of the details for our marriage ending.  I’ve been praying for God to send a great girl friend my way.  I have awesome friends who are ALWAYS there; I don’t want anyone to feel unimportant because I value each friendship I have with a deep thankfulness.  My girl friends here in Columbus are at different stages in life than I am though and I have this longing for a girl friend that’s just in a closer spot in life and who hungers for God.  I miss the element of a friend like that in my life.  I just say that because it’s funny…I may not have that one call up any old time, drop whatever’s going on, be spontaneous often friend here…but I have several friends who in total do that.  Someone is always willing to be up for something should a need arise.  For that I’m blessed…and tonight Janny Banany was just what my heart prayed for although I hadn’t gotten around to asking. 
I trust my Jesus.  I trust Him to keep helping me find Him.  I trust him to keep molding my heart and pushing out the bitter parts.  I trust him to keep bringing back the sweet core that I know I have.  It’s so so so much more there than it was at this time last year.  I trust me.  I trust myself to do the right thing because it’s right and good to do…that’s who I have always been and who I want to be.  I haven’t always made every decision to align with that, but at the core of me, Mindy May Spencer…“Mindy Fuckin’ Spencer” as Moon says that girl writes things like this with a light heart because it’s good and right to hope well for others in life.  No matter what hard stuff may still be a part of the picture.  A dusty stained glass window is still beautiful…it was made for beauty.  I’m like that.  I may be a lil’ dusty, but I was made for beauty and the more work that goes into cleaning me up, the prettier I get and the more I shine.  I’m not going to let the stuff that could make me bitter take away from the joy that can be found.

If I were to see Nick and Kendra I would be joyfully able to hug them both.  To look in their eyes and on their faces and know that My God makes beauty to shine in spite of our choices.  He lets love win.  Love has won and my heart has peace to know that Nick is not alone or broken-hearted…and that Kendra Cable, one rad girl is going to be doing life with him from here on out.

It’s funny.  Tonight as Charles and I were getting off the phone I said, “I love you.”  He didn’t say it back and I said, “You aren’t going to say it back?”  Which rightfully so upset him.  I appreciate that it upset him, not because he doesn’t love me…he has said it a couple times today…but because he’s intentional when he says it.  It’s not a parting salutation that you say flippantly at conversations end.  I don’t believe that’s how I was using it, nor do I always say it.  I haven’t since we’ve been back together asked him about not responding with it because I know how he works and I know that when he doesn’t it’s not for lack of love for me.  Tonight, because of all this going on, I magnified a negative instead of just ending at the positive thankful that I had just shared with him about him calling at all…I don’t want him to say or do something because I ask or require it.  I want him to do things because his heart is in it and he values me.  I just moments before told him how much it meant to me that he called two or three times tonight although he’s got 4 tests in the next 3 days.  Him doing that, giving me some quality time that fills me up…THAT is the important thing to me…not the flippant love ya at the end of a conversation.  

I say, “I love you” more than anyone I know.  I know this about myself from friends to family and the three men I’ve ever said it to beyond friendship…once I say it, it’s there.  If I say I love you, it’s not flippant, I’ve thought about it and I want to make sure you hear it.  I know this about me and I know that I work differently than others.  I would never ask friend or family if they were going to respond with the same.  In any other relationship I would go about my day…and I usually do with him too because I know how he works and more importantly he shows me he loves me without ever needing to say it.  If he never said it I would still know because of the priority he gives me in his life.  I asked because tonight I needed that extra soothing of having him tell me he loves me.  Not because his phone call wasn’t enough but because I’ve had a hard day and he isn’t here to hug me and he isn’t here to sleep next to me, but he’s in my life and he loves me and I just wanted to hear him tell me so because hearing it from him is different from everyone else and feels like a hug…and damn it, I wanted a hug.  Hahah…serious…we all know a forced hug is not the comfort of a hug given in love.  (Anyone remember that neighbor I basically made hug me like two years ago? Hahah…it would be comparable to that.  I mean, that guy was being nice to hug me but it was the absolute worst hug on the planet…still makes me laugh, that’s worth something.  It was not the comfort I wanted, nor would a forced I love you be.) We also know the hug we've given when we didn't completely want to, but we did because the other person just seemed to need it.  There's still value even in forced things sometimes for the good of the one you love.  

Charles is different from anyone I’ve ever met in life.  His core is full of integrity (I can count on one hand the people I think have that kind of sureness) and he is so steadfast, committed.  I trust love from him.  I trust him.  Although he’s been in this super intense training (that doesn’t even kind of cover how intense it’s been) he has called or texted or called AND texted Every. Single. Day…most days more than a few times.  That is love.  That is what makes me feel loved and valued.  That and consistency.  Consistency gives me security and I like routine that I can count on.  That is what builds trust in me and keeps adding to a solid foundation.  He and I have something beautiful because the important things are there.  I would have been content with a text that said “I love you” and nothing more all day…I know me though, I would not feel loved if all that I had from him while he’s been gone was one text each day that said “I love you” and then nothing more.  Maybe I would…I’ve grown quite a bit and I appreciate things a whole lot more and with less pressure for them to be how I would do them.  Regardless, I say that to say, he loves me with actions and actions are what makes me feel loved.  I recognize that he stopped studying the hours of prep stuff he has to pour over in order to call me not once but a few times today in spite of the 4 tests in 3 days and homework on top of that.  I don’t feel wrong for wanting him to say I love you.  It’s nice to hear…it’s nicest to hear without expectation.  Expectation is the killer of good things. I do think if a relationship is to grow, eventually expectation has to become part of little ways that create trust.  Like, not in a forced, "I love  you." just in the communication at some point in my day no matter what is going on.  That's security.  

Love wins, y’all.  It wins from God to my ever lovin’ heart and it wins in all the cracks that life has because we’re broken people.  It fills up our broken pots and spills out of the places we’re weak.  It fertilizes the ground of our life be it soil ready to bring forth new  life or a freakin’ desert that just needs a lil’ quenching…and eventually that desert will grow something beautiful too.  You know why? Because love wins.  It always wins if we let it.          

Wednesday, December 11, 2013


I love to write, but I also love to read things that enrich, inspire and make me laugh. 

This is a great article about mutual sacrifice.  It’s something that I think on in terms of a relationship.  Something that is important.  Not to control, but to respect.  For instance, Charles and I are dating again and I think of him.  Often.  I think of things that make more stress for him that I do and I consciously don’t do some of those things.  A friend asked me if this was wise and if I were giving up something that I love just to make him more comfortable.  I don’t think of it in those terms.  I think of it more like, especially these couple of weeks while he’s in Florida, he’s my priority.  I want him to have an easy mind space to do 100% his best without worry about me and what I’m doing back in Ohio.  It’s not that there’s tons of worry or something, just that you know…our last try at a relationship was a little rough, mostly because we didn't have enough trust.  Although our trust is in a completely different place as is our communication, it could be easy to get lost in old thoughts when things are new and changing so much.  That’s the awesome thing about love though…it lets you change, rewrite and find new the important stuff.  We’re doing new things because some of the old stuff just didn't work and there’s love, so you know, it matters to figure things out. 

When you’re on a team you work as a team.  You do things for the good of the team, not necessarily because it benefits you, but it gets you to the common goal.  One player could certainly steal the show and do awesome for themselves, improve their stats and make themselves feel awesome…but what good does that do if you don’t win the game because you didn’t play as a team.  One of my favorite cards he left said “You’re my teammate.”  I love that so much because it reminds me although we’ve still got things to figure out, things to settle into, we’ve got each other.  We’re working for the same goal.  The same win for the team.

When we dated before I was still stubborn in some areas because I didn’t want to give in to the needs of someone else above me.  I honestly didn't understand how much I love him and I made choices (as did he) that caused the other to have shaky ground in our relationship.  It was not firm.  A team needs to work together.  A team needs to have each other’s back and know that no matter what comes up, the other person is helping look out for the win.  I just love it.  I love that he’s in Florida working toward his dream of traveling with ease because he’ll be on with Jet Blue which is an amazing opportunity and company in general.  I love that he’s let me be such a big part of his life again the last three weeks and that the foundation we are building is so much better than what we had.  Like I could throw that kid a no look pass and he’d be right there, same for me.  Our teamwork is on point! We are figuring this out and I’m proud of us for looking the fear of being hurt again in the face and fighting for something we know is good.  I digress…it’s just so easy to get worked up.  I love ‘em.

I was saying…before I did what I wanted because that’s what I wanted.  I’m still feisty, I’m still going to speak my mind and I’m still going to be myself, but it’s different too because the investment is different.  This article: Mutual Sacrifice: The Key to Lasting Healthy Relationships is really good in talking about mutual sacrifice for the good of the relationship.  It just had me thinking because this is the key that that makes me feel valued I think.  The thing that says I put you first, you put me first and together we’re both first.  It keeps the team the priority.  What do you do in your (healthy) relationships that makes you feel valued and allows you to gaze with love at your teammate?  What do you do that makes you say "I love you" with confidence and lets your love also know with confidence that it's true...that makes them want to affirm it right back? What keeps ya'll giving each other the best time of your life?

Insecurity and trust

I like opposites. I like extreme things that shed clear light and magnify the good and ugly in life.  I've been thinking on insecurity today.  Mostly because today is a day that insecurity could sweep me out to sea and drown this otherwise comfortable and confident girl.  There are days like that in life for even the most confident of women/people. 
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.  Do the thing you think you cannot do.”  Eleanor Roosevelt
It started this morning when I noticed something a little out of the norm and brought up some old things and I laid in bed for a minute and cried.  I stopped to reflect and check where this was coming from and nip it in the bud before it swallowed this awesome, cozy winter day whole with cold, gray, yuckness.  Thank God I've learned this trait!  I have had a great day and I know that had I not stopped to face this thing that was a weight rather than a life saver, my day would have gone full scale poo fest quickly.  We've all had that day, you know what I mean.  At any rate, it got me thinking on insecurity…and how trust is kind of the antidote to feeling less than. 

This particular situation I stopped, examined the full picture instead of the one thing I was zooming focus in on, took a deep breath, turned on some good tunes, grabbed my hairbrush, did an awesome speech to myself in the mirror of my bathroom, flipped to a good station for singing along, took a nice, hot, relaxing shower, dressed up in something that makes me feel awesome about me and took this day by the horns.  The best thing that I did of all that though was to trust the pattern of normal, not the one tiny speck that had me feeling shaky.  I’m not even talking about a pattern with someone else…that’s part of it for this certain situation, but even more it’s a pattern of trusting myself.  In the last 3 months I've come to be someone that I trust.  I absolutely have made mistakes and learned from them in this time.  I strengthened my voice and my resolve though and kicked in the shins those things that I disagree with.  I’m walking tall and happy with me apart from the opinion of anyone else.  Today when I felt insecure I had to stand in the mirror for that pep talk.  I had to look myself in the eye and remind myself that I’m not the same girl I was months or even a couple of years ago.  I had to give myself a goal for the day and set up an expectation of me apart from anything someone else wanted of me today.  Thus, I’m blogging in my favorite coffee shop and feeling awesome. 

So…trust.  It’st that thing which takes away the shakes when insecurity comes.  Not confidence.  I always assumed it was confidence.  Confidence can be faked though, trust can’t.  Trust is way more important than confidence.  I got shaky.  I stepped back and found the trust in myself, in who I’ve become, in what I want out of where I am and I flippin’ rocked this day.  Trusting in me, in this other person, in our relationship…it all came back around to some confidence after floating on trust for a while, but the thing that got me that confidence was trust.  I think the difference is trust lets go of control where confidence often comes from control and then lack of confidence comes when control goes.

Romans 8:24 was part of my devotions today…
24 We are saved by trusting. And trusting means looking forward to getting something we don’t yet have—for a man who already has something doesn’t need to hope and trust that he will get it. 25 But if we must keep trusting God for something that hasn't happened yet, it teaches us to wait patiently and confidently.  
So fitting.  We are saved by trusting.  I needed to be saved today from myself.  He knows our need, He speaks to the small places in us that aren't fully His and calls them to himself to create in us something new.  Something transformed from what we used to know.  Trust that there is something on the horizon if we wait, if we trust along the way and if we allow all the fullness of his blessing to be formed in us, to transform us.

It’s easy to look at a small spot in life that seems out of the norm and to let that thing make us insecure of ourselves or those we love because we know what we are capable of.  Trust goes beyond our capabilities and settles into the rest of giving vulnerable love away.  It leans into our creator beyond the knowledge that we aren't enough and looks in the face of the one who calls us blessed above all other creation.

Be blessed my friends with trust and vulnerability beyond the ease of picking apart good things…especially ourselves and those we hold most dear. Rock it out ya’ll.  Get out there and trust yourself & kick stuff in the shins that tries to wobble your trust.   

Sunday, December 08, 2013

Overwhelmed...with blessings and peace.

I miss him tonight.
I’m not lonely, lonely would make me just want to be around anyone.  This is like when you’re really thirsty and you just want water.  Nothing else will quite quench that thirst because there’s a specific thing ya need.  It’s like that…and honestly, it’s not just tonight, it’s the norm.  I’m ok with that.  There’s a difference between the longing to have someone near who’s still in your life than the heartbreak that is a certainty that they won’t be coming back.  I know both for him and I’m content to have this…this means he’s still here although we aren’t together. 

It’s funny the things you learn about yourself, your man and your relationship with time apart.  I always used to be so hard about wanting “real dates”…now, all I miss is a night in snuggled up with his company, chatting on the couch with wine or a movie and the gift of cooking dinner for more than just myself. (Ok, who are we kidding…cooking dinner at all, I don’t cook for myself…like ever. Haha!)  A date is nice, but not at all what I “miss”.  I miss the moments that aren’t planned.  Everyone has their own things with someone they love, I’m sure.  I love the feeling I get when I’m waiting in anticipation at the top of the stairs and he walks in…that 10 seconds of him climbing the stairs towards me and the butterflies with excitement, then the total, has no word feeling when he hugs me, usually with a little sigh and kiss on the temple, before he walks to the door and holds it open for me.  Perfection.  The look he gives me when he brushes the hair off my face.  How he comes to the kitchen, wraps his arms around me and puts his chin on my shoulder. 

It’s different.  It was harder to be together before.  The trust we needed to develop has come.  You know how sometimes you go to sit on a rocking chair or an old wood porch swing and you’re not completely sure of it, but over time it becomes your favorite place of comfort? It’s like that.  He’s my favorite tangible place of comfort.  That’s what I miss.  When he’s near it’s like this protection that I can trust.  I don’t know how to entirely explain it.  It’s manly.  It’s his big, strong arms and wide shoulders and the way he wraps his arms all the way around me.  Even if he’s not touching me, his presence has this calm.  Like, I really believe he and I have come to a place that wants the best in life for the other.  The best in life for him involves wealth and success, those things are nice and I appreciate his future minded thinking because I’m just not wired that way.  I appreciate more that he doesn’t just talk about stuff, he does it and he’s always reading and learning and applying stuff to where he wants to be.  It’s real hot.  Not gonna lie.  I could admire him all day.  No worries, there’s not a pedestal.  We’ve worked through some disagreements since we started talking again, it’s not rose colored…it’s better, it’s real.  The best in life for me looks like the life I’ve always had…workin’ hard for what you’ve got and appreciating the stuff that money can’t buy.  I think of times when I was little when things were tight and Dad was doing all he could to make the ends meet on his own.  When he’d work a million hours and I’m sure was overwhelmed…he didn’t complain.  I don’t ever really recall him complaining about the circumstances.  That’s the best to me.  To be able to do what you have to do so you can do what you want to do and rest in the everyday moments.  Work toward a common goal…it’s been awesome to be able to watch my parents pay off debt, buy a lake house and settle into their groove.  I see what they have, certainly not perfect, but the dedication to one another and holding things together, committed to figuring things out in the hard times.  Committed to the till death part of things…both have been married before and I’m grateful that they aren’t part of the second marriages that don’t make it.  I’m thankful that sometimes when I’m home (which…Uggggghhhh, is NOT enough…I’m uber homesick. I’ve not been since JULY!) I catch this look between the two of them that is feisty and in love.  Hahah, surely I catch frustration and wanna scream sometimes too.  Maybe I see things different because I’m not always there, but thinking about them…man, my Dad loves that woman. He sometimes sucks at putting her first in the way that makes her feel loved…but I’ve never heard him complain once about her.  Never heard him utter a word that is dishonorable about her that I can think of, even in frustration.  Huh.  He astounds me.  I wonder how much there is like that…the positive stuff that we miss because it’s quiet.  It doesn’t irritate or shout for attention like the stuff that hurts a relationship.  Hm…challenging to think on that and shift the focus to being intentional with noticing.

I’ve been thinking about how thankful I am for Verizon lately.  The training they give us on customer service is out of this world.  I may have days that I totally want a different job…because sitting at a desk typing 8 hours a day drives me batty…but the company itself…yowsa! I lucked out there!  They teach us so much that helps in life too.  You know it’s pretty great to be armed with education on how to be a better communicator.  They paid me to be cooler.  Okay! I’ll take it! They paid me and are going to keep paying me (two day training tomorrow and Tuesday) to learn how to make other people feel awesome.  When you make other people feel awesome, they in turn usually tell you that you’re pretty neat and that feels rad in its own right…it’s a nice cycle. 

I digress…I guess I just wanted to say that I’m thankful for where I am.  I’m thankful that my best friend is back and that I can see a difference in my own reactions to some things.  I see a difference in the stuff that I put on him versus the stuff that I can stop and say, “stupid reaction” and find the positive.  Life is waaaaay cooler when we assume the positive first.  For instance, today I texted him something about missing him, being stressed out and wishing he were here.  His reply was about how that was sweet and that it would be nice if I were there.  Previously I would have been disappointed that he didn’t coddle my stress a little…like his reply said nothing about my stress at all and that was part of what I wanted.  My teammate to empathize and tell me that the stress sucked and he was sorry.  In this time I took to work on me…counseling and what not, just more self-awareness in general allowed me to read his message and smile huge that he keeps wishing I were there.  He’s said it like a million times…to the point I actually looked at flights (and then used my better financial and time judgement…flying near Christmas is a small fortune and flying in winter can really mess up a good time with delays and what not…ain’t nobody got time for that-literally, I need that new vacation time come Jan. 1st! Haha!) 

I like the new skills I have, the confidence I have that isn’t so needy…ya’ll I was needy.  If he fell in love with that girl, he’s a saint.  I don’t expect things from him.  I don’t care what job he has or what he’s doing as long as he’s happy doing it and responsibilities are handled, that’s part of being an adult.  I don’t need him to text me all day and call for hours (not gonna lie though, the 2 hour convo while he’s been gone was unexpected and wonderful, the morning texts when he’s got so much on his plate and him saying good-night…it’s the little things that I notice and am thankful for and are enough).  It’s a lot him changing and improving himself too and me working on myself and then those two things coming together to be a better us, I don’t know but it’s really good.  I feel pursued in the way he’s made me a priority although he’s focused on his training.  I feel secure with his tone of voice and assured from his actions.  This morning it made my day that he called to tell me he got a 97% on his first test…before he posted it to Facebook and told the rest of the world.  It’s nice to be the first person he wants to call because he’s the first person I want to call too. 

Maybe I just needed a blog to make him feel near tonight even if he’s a million miles away…he’s right here too when I get to stop life and think about the days details with him.  I’m overwhelmed.  I’m not stressed out; I’m peaceful after my time in the word and hearing His voice for a bit tonight.  I’m overwhelmed now at how good things are and how just a change in lighting, a shift in focus and some quiet time bring out the blessings.  It’s good friends.  It’s real good.  Slow down.  Man, I love that man…and how he loves me.          

Monday, December 02, 2013

Seven...and lots o' love.

April 3rd, 2012 8:56pm “Date night and I’m actually excited about this one. J” The status that started it all.  April 22nd…nearly killed him with my first fried chicken. May 7th…I broke up with him. I wasn’t ready for what I found.  Cried for 4 days…not sure on the exact date but eventually we came back together because I knew I didn’t want to give him up.  May 27th he left a trip home early to come surprise me.  All I wanted was for him to be near.  I was geared up for a skype date and happy with that…him showing up made me feel like the luckiest girl around.  June 8th he drove all over town to get my favorite pizza, leave a rose on my car, one at the front door of my apartment and one on my apartment door, then had me meet him at O’Mannys where he had the rest of the roses and my favorite pizza (that is no where near my house or his)…I felt like the only girl in the world and the one that every other girl wanted to be in that moment.  June 9th…Wicked and a lovely dinner…there was a moment that’s burned clear as a picture in my memory; a look…and even after everything we’ve been through that same certain comfort comes with that memory.  June 20thHe's good. I needed that time away from my paper and I didn't even know it. Dinner, laughing, couch snuggles, walk with Mulligan, a little dancing on the fly in the kitchen...its the little things. I'm full up of thankful, feeling so much less stressed out & just so happy. He stands firm in his convictions & I respect so much of who he is.”  July 7th he hadn’t talked to me in days after a fight…it was excruciating.  I knew I loved him…that even at this, one of the most hurtful and detestable things in a relationship to me (silence in turmoil) all I wanted to do was fix it and get back to all the fun.  We finally talked because I drove to his house and practically made him do that which he was avoiding. I couldn’t give up.  July 13th weekend he surprised me with a trip home. I was so homesick and we both had a weekend off (which was basically never), it was the most thoughtful gift. August 2nd we broke up, I didn’t think he loved me the way I did him and I let go.  There was a trip to Philly and some other random contact, but after a few weeks it was too much to try and be friends.  He began dating someone and we talked less and less…and I cried.  Everyday. For months.  I lost 15 pounds and knew that at some point I’d have to give in and let go.  Our relationship had passion, but we didn’t know how to communicate and I didn’t have enough trust…maybe he didn’t either, maybe the timing “wasn’t right”?  Either way, I didn’t want to let go or give up, it was too hard to be friends when he was dating someone else and I knew that I wanted still to be together.  “You can’t be just friends with someone you’re madly in love with…if you can you never were.” Finally, we had a moment, probably a month and a half or so ago where “the door was closed”. 

I thought that it was for good.   

I needed a rebound, but I didn’t admit to myself that’s what it was. I don’t think I’d ever really experienced that before in this way.  I started dating and met D.  Our first date was great and it seemed like we had known each other far longer than the couple of days that we had. He was a gentleman and possibly just the distraction and actual option as far as checklist qualities to start something new.  Other guys had asked for dates in those three months apart, I wasn’t interested.  I knew I couldn’t invest.  I knew that if I were to start something with someone I wanted it to be worthy of investing.  I invested…yet while I was with him I still thought of Charles.  I still cried the same in the evening when my head hit the pillow and my heart still longed for him.  One time I was with D watching baseball and Charles texted to say he was watching the game out if I’d like to join him.  I was an hour away in Springfield and wanted to be back in Columbus in an instant.  I’m stubborn though and I didn’t respond at all…for a few days…I thought he was reaching out to be friends (especially since I was now seeing someone)…I knew I still couldn’t do that and when we had our last good-bye I told myself I couldn’t hold on any longer.  I knew I wouldn’t give D a chance if Charles was in my life.  Then homecoming came.  I got a friend request from Charles on Facebook while I was out of town and didn’t respond. I was consciously choosing to press forward and I really needed to evaluate if becoming friends on facebook again was a good step.  I didn’t know much about where he was with the girl he had been dating, but I knew that I still couldn’t be just friends.  I saw a few days later that he was moving to Philly because he got the job with Jet Blue.  I knew I needed to say good-bye because if he left with things how they were, we’d likely never speak again.  I texted him and called and sent an email…all with no reply.  Then it came, a “Why are you contacting me, I tried to reach out to you with no response, where’s this coming from? What’s going on?” I replied kindly that I had seen he was moving and wanted to say good-bye.  We had some small talk and discussed possibly hanging out, eventually the boldness I’d needed from him came…”possibly we shouldn’t spend time alone…” he’d seen I was dating D and told me that although he was planning to say good-bye one on one with as many as he could, we probably shouldn’t because it would be different with me and he still had feelings.  That was all I needed to hear. I told him I did as well and that maybe we should see one another.  His kiss was home and his arms were safe…and timing terrible! J 

We spent the last two weeks together, almost inseparable so close to like we used to be.  It felt like home.  He’s the manliest man I’ve ever known in so many ways & has all the integrity filled parts of a man my Dad taught me were most important.  I can’t say for certain what will happen.  There’s hurt to get past.  There’s distance to overcome now.  We’re realistic in our communication…but…we’re both dreamers.  We’re both romantic and we both see all the value in us.  All the exceptional things that we find safely in one another that we have not found thus far in life.  We’re teammates.  He calls me beautiful and means it with a sincerity I’ve rarely believed before.  He holds the door and leads me though with his hand on the small of my back, tender.  He prays for me and with me and his eyes, without words still speak to my soul.  You can call me corny.  You can look at the imperfections that have been and will be and make your own ideas up about what our future should or shouldn’t look like.  As for me…I’m resting in the certainty of what I know is there, unlike anything I’ve ever known and still greater than something I could dream up.  For Pete’s sake when we weren’t talking he got bit by a spider in the middle of the night (really bad), that same night I woke up crying in my sleep that he’d been shot and I felt the pain.  You can call it weird and say that things like that don’t exist or are coincidence.  It’s ok.  I don’t mind being a little silly to some. 

There’s got to be an intangible, unexplainable “thing” that goes beyond “feelings” because when life gets shitty, all those good “feelings” sometimes go away…when that happens, there has to be commitment and security in the intangible thing that drew you to one another.  I don’t think I’ve ever understood what that was quite like I do now…and I’m content to wait it out and see where this goes.  It’s different.  I trust him…I trust us.  I knew that it was special before and I knew that I didn’t want to give it up.  I also was certain that was God’s plan for the time.  I needed that heartbreaking time apart to grow myself…I’m not the same person I was when we dated before, and he is absolutely not the same man.  We’ve both matured.  We don’t fight like we did.  We communicate better and there’s just a certainty that we’re going to figure whatever out because that’s what you do when you love someone.  You figure stuff out even if it’s hard.   

I have been crying off and on the past couple weeks together knowing that he was leaving…right when I got that normal, everyday “this is how life should be” back.  I can’t tell you in words what the first kiss with that man, that wonderful, amazing man settled in me, or the ease with which he left because it wasn’t “good-bye”.    I cherished our time together…basketball, a trip to see his family, Thanksgiving, lots of random time, then his last day in town, studying and ending with an amazing and unexpected dinner.  This morning I cried almost immediately because although SO excited about all that’s coming for him, life is cooler with him near, everyday or close to it…and that part is changing, for now. 

(Under your sheets was the clue for where to find the card...not sketchy like it sounds. LOL!)
As he left he told me to look in the bedroom for a clue.  What I found was a scavenger hunt that took me all day.  “7 reasons I love you.”  It’s there.  That something that I can’t explain…that thing that notices the little things…like the way he moves in his sleep to stay snuggled with me when we’re together, or the butterflies I still get when he touches my face, a look I can’t explain but can see so clearly in my mind that comforts every question and makes it easy to wait, to be pursued…he’s doing an awesome job! The way he gets silly and flirty and makes me feel like a giggly school girl…I think I blushed on the way in from dinner at all the corny pickup lines!  The way he cherishes me and how little everyday things are the best!  His smile, his hug, that freckle, the way he doesn’t care what other people think of him or material things although wealth is something he strives for.  The hair on his chest and the way his hand lays on my thigh in the car.  How he replied “lookin’ at you” when I asked what he was doing across the room the other day, the tone in his voice that said he was soaking in this time too.  Our freestylin’…ok, he’s way better at that, but I try!  The way I’m more me than I’ve ever been with anyone and the safety of knowing no matter what I say or do, he doesn’t judge me. He certainly will give me his thoughts on things, it’s just…with love.  The way he puts his hand in his lap when he’s curled up on the couch, headphones in, focused (as focused as a man with his ADD can be), the way he pours his all into something…you guys should have seen him studying for his training next week! Even better, the way he lets me help out.  We are a great team.  The way I want to write and how he inspires me, in so many ways to be the best version of myself.  His love for sweet Italian sausage and Velveeta mac n cheese, with broccoli if possible and peach cobbler.  I could keep going but I’m sure I’m the only one who really cares to read all the details of why he’s so great, and those are all in my mind already.

Ha! I was just going to write a quick note about him leaving me such a cool scavenger hunt and it turned into a recap and some spillage of hopes and got all tangled up with love.  That’s what he does.  Brings out hope and gets tangled up with love.  It’s special.  It’s dedicated and passionate, and I’m so over the moon happy about the way that he’s setting our pace, being a leader, treating me in every way like a woman he’s proud to have around and cherishes like a favorite gift.  We’ll see how this story goes.  All I know is that life is cooler with him in it, days are more fun, and being his teammate is the best “title” around.

“Do you think that our love can create miracles? Yes I do, that’s what brings you back to me each time. Do you think our love could take us away together? I think our love can do anything we want it to…” Allie and Noah, The Notebook.