Love Wins. It always wins.
I heard this morning that Nick and Kendra got engaged last night. Funny how quickly something like that gets back to you when you’ve no actual contact in life pretty much at all. It just happened last night from what I hear…I didn’t hear much. Just that it happened. I don’t care about the details. Okay, maybe I do a little but mostly because at one time Kendra and I were friends and Nick and I were too and out of that nostalgia, it would be great to hear the romance of it, because I’m happy for them both. I’m happy that he was able to heal the hurt from losing our marriage…it should’ve been a lifetime and that it wasn’t will always sting. I don’t for a second regret finding the courage to end our marriage. The fact that it’s not even been a year since the divorce was final and he’s ready to commit to a new forever is AWESOME! I am wholeheartedly happy for the two of them to make life together. I did not love Nick as a wife should love a husband and I don’t believe he loved me with the love a husband should have for his wife either. I don’t think either of us went into being married with this knowledge and I don’t think he left our marriage feeling that way either…but if I can tell you anything it’s that if he has learned love anew in his own way (I have certainly) that kind of love outshines the thing that we had even on its best of days, and we absolutely had some pretty great days.
Learning of his engagement hasn’t been all roses and I really wanted to spew some old venom that seeped up, but bitterness isn’t the way to have joy in life. I was even going to write about the things I wanted to write in vague detail and how I was going to take the high road. Thankfully, I’ve met my maker again anew as well…and that love has transformed me differently also. So, after a bit of time and a heart check with him before I uttered a word, He quieted my restless soul, comforted my hurty places, and is working me through the angry parts…not because it’s the high road but because it’s the loving road, and I’m convinced above all that love always wins if we let it.
I left work early today (customers were extra crabby, I was angry over old thoughts and lingering burdens…and I just knew I shouldn’t be there…the system crashed and our online only team ended up taking calls ½ the shift…THANK YOU GOD I LEFT…there’s no way I could have handled calls today) and went to my friend “Momma Janet’s” house. She’s a tough cookie with a softness that can only come from God after what life has given her. It was exactly the reminder I needed to dwell in Him. To keep the good stuff in mind and let the hard stuff go. It was the reminder I needed of how fortunate I was in a lot of the details for our marriage ending. I’ve been praying for God to send a great girl friend my way. I have awesome friends who are ALWAYS there; I don’t want anyone to feel unimportant because I value each friendship I have with a deep thankfulness. My girl friends here in Columbus are at different stages in life than I am though and I have this longing for a girl friend that’s just in a closer spot in life and who hungers for God. I miss the element of a friend like that in my life. I just say that because it’s funny…I may not have that one call up any old time, drop whatever’s going on, be spontaneous often friend here…but I have several friends who in total do that. Someone is always willing to be up for something should a need arise. For that I’m blessed…and tonight Janny Banany was just what my heart prayed for although I hadn’t gotten around to asking.
I trust my Jesus. I trust Him to keep helping me find Him. I trust him to keep molding my heart and pushing out the bitter parts. I trust him to keep bringing back the sweet core that I know I have. It’s so so so much more there than it was at this time last year. I trust me. I trust myself to do the right thing because it’s right and good to do…that’s who I have always been and who I want to be. I haven’t always made every decision to align with that, but at the core of me, Mindy May Spencer…“Mindy Fuckin’ Spencer” as Moon says that girl writes things like this with a light heart because it’s good and right to hope well for others in life. No matter what hard stuff may still be a part of the picture. A dusty stained glass window is still beautiful…it was made for beauty. I’m like that. I may be a lil’ dusty, but I was made for beauty and the more work that goes into cleaning me up, the prettier I get and the more I shine. I’m not going to let the stuff that could make me bitter take away from the joy that can be found.
If I were to see Nick and Kendra I would be joyfully able to hug them both. To look in their eyes and on their faces and know that My God makes beauty to shine in spite of our choices. He lets love win. Love has won and my heart has peace to know that Nick is not alone or broken-hearted…and that Kendra Cable, one rad girl is going to be doing life with him from here on out.
It’s funny. Tonight as Charles and I were getting off the phone I said, “I love you.” He didn’t say it back and I said, “You aren’t going to say it back?” Which rightfully so upset him. I appreciate that it upset him, not because he doesn’t love me…he has said it a couple times today…but because he’s intentional when he says it. It’s not a parting salutation that you say flippantly at conversations end. I don’t believe that’s how I was using it, nor do I always say it. I haven’t since we’ve been back together asked him about not responding with it because I know how he works and I know that when he doesn’t it’s not for lack of love for me. Tonight, because of all this going on, I magnified a negative instead of just ending at the positive thankful that I had just shared with him about him calling at all…I don’t want him to say or do something because I ask or require it. I want him to do things because his heart is in it and he values me. I just moments before told him how much it meant to me that he called two or three times tonight although he’s got 4 tests in the next 3 days. Him doing that, giving me some quality time that fills me up…THAT is the important thing to me…not the flippant love ya at the end of a conversation.
I say, “I love you” more than anyone I know. I know this about myself from friends to family and the three men I’ve ever said it to beyond friendship…once I say it, it’s there. If I say I love you, it’s not flippant, I’ve thought about it and I want to make sure you hear it. I know this about me and I know that I work differently than others. I would never ask friend or family if they were going to respond with the same. In any other relationship I would go about my day…and I usually do with him too because I know how he works and more importantly he shows me he loves me without ever needing to say it. If he never said it I would still know because of the priority he gives me in his life. I asked because tonight I needed that extra soothing of having him tell me he loves me. Not because his phone call wasn’t enough but because I’ve had a hard day and he isn’t here to hug me and he isn’t here to sleep next to me, but he’s in my life and he loves me and I just wanted to hear him tell me so because hearing it from him is different from everyone else and feels like a hug…and damn it, I wanted a hug. Hahah…serious…we all know a forced hug is not the comfort of a hug given in love. (Anyone remember that neighbor I basically made hug me like two years ago? Hahah…it would be comparable to that. I mean, that guy was being nice to hug me but it was the absolute worst hug on the planet…still makes me laugh, that’s worth something. It was not the comfort I wanted, nor would a forced I love you be.) We also know the hug we've given when we didn't completely want to, but we did because the other person just seemed to need it. There's still value even in forced things sometimes for the good of the one you love.
Charles is different from anyone I’ve ever met in life. His core is full of integrity (I can count on one hand the people I think have that kind of sureness) and he is so steadfast, committed. I trust love from him. I trust him. Although he’s been in this super intense training (that doesn’t even kind of cover how intense it’s been) he has called or texted or called AND texted Every. Single. Day…most days more than a few times. That is love. That is what makes me feel loved and valued. That and consistency. Consistency gives me security and I like routine that I can count on. That is what builds trust in me and keeps adding to a solid foundation. He and I have something beautiful because the important things are there. I would have been content with a text that said “I love you” and nothing more all day…I know me though, I would not feel loved if all that I had from him while he’s been gone was one text each day that said “I love you” and then nothing more. Maybe I would…I’ve grown quite a bit and I appreciate things a whole lot more and with less pressure for them to be how I would do them. Regardless, I say that to say, he loves me with actions and actions are what makes me feel loved. I recognize that he stopped studying the hours of prep stuff he has to pour over in order to call me not once but a few times today in spite of the 4 tests in 3 days and homework on top of that. I don’t feel wrong for wanting him to say I love you. It’s nice to hear…it’s nicest to hear without expectation. Expectation is the killer of good things. I do think if a relationship is to grow, eventually expectation has to become part of it...in little ways that create trust. Like, not in a forced, "I love you." just in the communication at some point in my day no matter what is going on. That's security.
Love wins, y’all. It wins from God to my ever lovin’ heart and it wins in all the cracks that life has because we’re broken people. It fills up our broken pots and spills out of the places we’re weak. It fertilizes the ground of our life be it soil ready to bring forth new life or a freakin’ desert that just needs a lil’ quenching…and eventually that desert will grow something beautiful too. You know why? Because love wins. It always wins if we let it.