Counseling was great today. We had a chat about where I am and I got some good nuggets to remind myself of. So, there’s this guy that has been talking with me for a couple of days on OK Cupid…it’s been fun, but I still have a lot of hesitation and anxiety about the whole thing. We talked about this today in counseling. I realized it’s ok to be where I am. I don’t need Charles to pick me, my heart’s settled that it isn’t going to happen. I’m settled that I need to move on. It’s funny though, because although I’ve accepted this, there’s this whole other part of life that ya know had like started blossoming over the last few days. The conversation back and forth has been nice, he seems like an ambitious guy and his picture is handsome. I mean, it’s an online profile, you can only assume so much. Anyway, today he hasn’t sent any messages and we are supposed to hang out tomorrow. The way I know I don’t need this to be a date that is like a “date”…I haven’t cared less about this guy not chatting it up all day. I haven’t been sad that he’s not sent a message…like at all. I sent him a note tonight to clarify that if we were to go do something tomorrow as planned I wanted to be clear that I’m not seeing it as a date because it’s just not where I am. It’s just so not where I am. I would be happy to have someone new to spend time with that knows nothing about my life, but I really don’t want to date someone. My heart is still broken. My counselor and I talked today about how I’m not over Charles and how it’s ok to keep the door open to possibility, yet at the same time to let myself be sensitive to me. I know if I were to call this a date or there were some “datey” expectation I wouldn’t be myself. I would feel awkward and I would not be open to another date. I can’t imagine even trying to actually date someone. No. It’s not fair to me still. I still think of Charles and all the little things often and although I have settled that he’s just not going to choose us and I need to accept it, I can still see a future with him in it. It’s going to take really getting to know someone in a non-dating setting to be open to a date.
I’m content where I am, I’m content to not force life to do something I don’t really want it to be doing. I want to meet this guy (Ha! If he messages me back, lol.) 2 seconds of time pass. (Life is funny…he just messaged me back.) I want to go have a great time and meet this new person and build a friendship and like if I get to know him (or anyone really), THEN let it naturally become a date down the line. I just am ready to be slower and more intentional. I want to be married again someday. I want to know who I am marrying when I do and I want to have a great foundation for a healthy lifetime kind of future. A friendship promotes this way more than a date and it keeps the expectation for any physical what have yous at bay…and I want that at bay because I’m really, really not there.
I like where I am. I like feeling like I have control and at the same time I’ve got no control…if that makes any sense at all. I have this peace that God’s got this. That He knows the desire of my heart and my future goals. I can have a happy, healthy, passionate marriage, it’s possible and it’s not some far off dream, it’s like a real thing that will happen. My bills are in order, I’m on track financially, I’m grounded spiritually, I’m investing in others again beyond myself, I’m reading and running and writing and doing all the things I love most. I feel like me. Whole. Perky. Ready for life. I’m feeling ready and focused for school to start again and I’m excited that Christiana and Winston will be moving in. I like having someone else around here and I really don’t need two bedrooms. Plus, that’s only going to help the savings grow! J Yay! I’m honestly thankful that Charles and I have had time apart from any relationship. I think heartache was what I needed to stop the tailspin of chaos. It’s given me focus again and I’ve gotten grounded in who I am. The girl that’s been lost for so many years is back and that’s a gift bigger than the hurt. Confidence in myself is coming back. My counselor was cautioning me today to try not to think of Charles while I’m out with this guy. He was like, “Mindy, you have a great head on your shoulders, remind yourself you’re good enough just how you are. You don’t need to go out of your way to do “extra” in order for someone to like you. You’re easy to talk to you, you’re kind of a Man’s woman…you like to talk about sports, you are light hearted and spunky…I’m sure that’s contagious.” I gotta think like that.
We all have insecurities. I get insecure that although I’ve got all these great qualities and am grounded…maybe I’m too clingy, maybe my psoriasis on my ankle is too gross, maybe I’m not attractive to some guy because I’m overweight, maybe someone I meet is going to be really cool but when they see how gross I can look in the morning and eventually how not cute this body is naked…well, anything good that’s started will change. We do that don’t we? We sabotage things before they have a chance to start because we let our insecurities hold us back. I’m over that. I’m going to start focusing on all the good things I have. I’m not going to go into marriage stuff, but I’ll say that hearing someone else’s view of me that was not as cool as my own view of myself for so many years certainly changed my self talk. I’m claiming back the confidence I used to have. I’m even cooler now than I was when my confidence was better. I know that confidence is one of the most attractive qualities a guy can have…I need to have that too. I need to not care if someone doesn’t want me. I don’t want to be in a relationship where I have a firey love and my partner has a flickering love. I am ready to be slow and intentional and not go on dates but just start new friendships and if something develops cool and if something doesn’t develop cool. I don’t need a guy to buy me dinner; I can buy my own dinner so maybe we can just enjoy the dinner and not the stress? That’s like, so where I am. I’m there and it has mostly nothing to do with Charles and everything to do with keeping sight of what I want my future to look like. Knowing what I want sets me up to “begin with the end in mind”. I want intimacy and authentic, deep, relational soul connecting sparks. I don’t care how cheesy that sounds. I’m a romantic. I want romance! I want to find someone that is passionate and be passionate together! When that happens, I won’t be the only one who knows that things are right.
I’ve made some goals for myself in this friendship building phase of life. First, I won’t be misleading…thus the reason I laid it all out there with ‘ol Maverick…if he isn’t down with giving me some time then, he’s likely not real compatible with me anyhow or, is possibly not as respectful as he seems so far. I will not go above and beyond…I’m not going to play the role of girlfriend…I’m going to play the role of friend and know that the extra efforts I’m happy to put into a relationship should come when that’s where the relationship is. I don’t need to do those things to help propel a relationship forward. Those things come with time because love has developed. I will keep my “me time” and my “serve and love on others” time. I won’t let myself get lost in something…this will be easier in the friend phase than it would in a dating situation. One of the things I’m most excited about in this is that the pressure is so much less and like, if things never progress to more, I’ll have a new friend and a new friend with no physical history…just a friend. I’m really happy about the respect and trust this sort of beginning can build and I’m pumped about the confidence I’ll have knowing I’m a respectable, virtuous woman. That’s who I like me to be best...and helps me find a guy who is the same, without really "looking". This is some real Jedi Mindtrick shit. Men expect women to be ready to jump into relationships and beds. You know what, when that happens the appeal is gone…it changes everything. I’m totally going back old school where they go “What the…?” Yep. The men, they’re gonna want me. For all the right reasons, and I’m just gonna have my pick when I’m ready. Now, that’s obviously an ideal…I may be so friend zoned I never meet anyone…that’s cool too. LOL. I like the thought of a man pursuing me and I like the slow pace of a natural progression. I’m more confident just getting those insecurities out there and having some goals…
I’m not one to date several guys at one time. That seems unfair and weird. I am one to make a slew of friends though and not feel one tiny bit bad because I’m leading no one on. It’s going to be unfortunate that so many men will want me but can't have me…that’s how it always goes. You always want what you can’t have. Right now, I’m so excited about this revelation of where I am that even Charles couldn’t have me…not that he wants me, hahah, but I’m just saying… I want to be single and mingle platonically until something develops and I am less curious. I didn’t think I was curious. This is where I’ll say Charles was maybe right. I was ready to commit to a long term, could get married kind of thing with him. I was and it wasn’t a lie. Even yesterday it wasn’t a lie. I don’t know that it would be a lie now…but now, I know that the timing isn’t right. I didn’t know that before and I didn’t understand what I wanted. I am so settled where I am. I’m not gonna lie, I cried a little tonight after I saw Charles because I was dreading the “date” knowing that I would be thinking of him. This leveling of the playing field, setting my own rules and marking off the boundaries I want…this has changed everything and I’m giddy! I’m freaking giddy!
And you know what…Ol’ Maverick is already gaining points by being straight forward, respectful, and cool with hanging out as friends. He’s still not feeling well so we aren’t going to go out tomorrow, but I was bold and clarified “Is this a I just don’t feel good, maybe later.” Or is this a “I don’t think I really wanna hang out anymore, ever.” It’s a “I just don’t feel good still.” J He’s so normal, you guys! Yay! I think I’m way more excited and have zero anxiety about a new friendship. This is where I’m at, ya’ll and I’m gonna kill it!