Monday, August 26, 2013

The Eve of 33

I'm in a good, good place.  The unknown is uncomfortable.  It will be until the end of time.  Alone can be uncomfortable too.  I'm so thankful for Moon (Who incidentally is Robb Schuneman...ya'll can know this now that we know who we are apart from what people may want to make us) and his friendship.  We had a non-awkward talk last night about there ever being more than friendship...because when you are a girl and you have a guy in your life that's amazing you wonder on these things at times and if you don't get it figured out, it could kill some pretty great relationship that comes along...that wondering.  Old wonderings hurt my marriage and I learned from that.  You've gotta figure out the loose ends in life.  This wondering, it may have played a part in the demise of Charles and I.  (Bless his heart, Moon even let me cry over that last night and honestly grieved with me a bit, because it's sad to know I hurt someone I care about over wondering unnecessarily and because that wondering may have helped end something great.)  Who knows? I just know that it was a loose end I needed to know before any relationship can be successful...and those are thing things I'm working on tying up within myself.  Cementing me before I am a "we" again.  Ya know what...there are probably a lot of factors that played a roll in the end with Charles and some of them are my fault and that's been hard to deal with.  I have so much clarity though after this conversation with Moon.  It's funny because Charles called last night after his basketball game and we too had a really great conversation for about an hour and a half...yeah, 6 hours on the phone last night was a lot, and so great.

In the end I realized that (as he probably already had) that Moon is awesome and that he's just my bud, my best friend helping me along in this life and the steady thing when I get discombobulated.  He lost his Jenny too early in life and she will never ever, ever, ever...EVER be replaced, I like to let myself think though that he's like a brother and that there's a bit about me that is like a sister and that's part of what makes us rad!  Just because we are awesome and single and a lot of good things are between us, that doesn't mean he needs to be my world and that I need to fall mad in love with him.  It's cool for me to have mad love for him and that's all.  What a nice thing to realize.  I think I needed to hear from Charles on that same night to understand this fully.  I'm thankful he called.  I have no idea what will happen with Charles...a great friendship, possibly date again, marry the dude someday, walk with him as he meets beautiful women/woman and cheer his relationship on to its full potential, have him walk out of my life all together...who knows and that's not the point.  He needs to navigate where he is and I need to navigate where I am, I'm just saying it was really good to hear from him.  When he called my heart raced and my stomach went weak and I got nervous and really happy to hear from him.  When Moon called I smiled and was happy to be able to tell him all about my call with Charles and was elated to hear of his dating world.  That was some clarity.

If Moon and I were to try and date, it really just wouldn't work.  It's not that kind of chemistry.  It's "Whoa, I'm so glad to have someone like a brother I can call right now no matter the time and laugh or cry about wherever I'm at!"  I needed to understand that fully to be able to give of myself fully in a relationship, and to be able to have our awesome friendship while in a relationship without feeling guilty.  When Charles and I met, I was dating, footloose and fancy free.  I found something in him I didn't expect.  We are possibly incompatible in a million ways that will never come back together and we are possibly great in a million ways that may...I don't know, but I do know that the heart racing thing...even though it changes with time, it's an important component.  The tiny bit of jealous at hearing Charles tell me about meeting someone new is healthy for where we just were.  The big bit of "I just want you to be happy, and I want a friendship with no ulterior motives." is for sure healthy.  He's a good guy, I want awesome things for him. Period.  It's just time to move forward and not worry about dating anyone...

I deleted my Ok Cupid account.  I'm finding me again and I'm not going to find that through random internet men.  That site is not going to add to me becoming again the girl I want to be...I think that's what I'm going to figure out first.  Does this thing in my life and this person add value to the kind of person that I want to be?  Is it, he, or she going to push or pull me toward all the greatness I have coming or is this, he or she going to allow me to remain comfortable where I am, or worse yet, push me back in the progress I want to make?  I am not someone who walks away from people, I'm someone who invests fairly easily and tries to be the person in their life that helps them propel toward greatness.  Sometimes in life you have to recognize what you've got to do and do it.  Let people and places and things out so that new people, places and things can come in and be great, or so that the current things have their true rightful place of importance. 

I'm so excited about where I am.  I feel strong and healthy.  I feel like I'm taking my life back and that it's been a year in the making.  I was a bit off course with a focus on the wrong things.  I was focused on proving something to myself rather than trying to understand how to just be me.  I've been off course the last month in trying to win Charles back or let myself dwell on what may just be over.  There are things about that man that I could see in my forever and after feeling like I wasn't ready for that, then letting it in and then losing it...well, it's hard to figure out.  It's hard to mention this at all because I don't want to justify anything to anyone and everyone has an option on "us".  The bottom line is that I'm happy to live my life right where I am and I'm like really, truly 100% geeked to find all the things that I love to do.  The things that will allow me to know who I am apart from a relationship.  To do things and meet dudes and have zero ulterior motives about anything happening with anyone.  This goes with my last post so much.  If something is going to happen, it just will and likely when I don't expect it, just when maybe I'm more ready for it.

I'm excited to explore my faith again on my own...make it look the way I liked it best.  Find the genuine parts that I used to have and become the best me I can.  You're either with me in finding the best me or you're not...and if ya ain't...well, I likely am not going to have much of you around. If you've got your own agenda for my life, or if you've got plans for me...that's not going to work.  You gotta let me become who I want to be, you've gotta let me test and refine and figure things out.  Period....and I'm so pumped to be someone that can let others do that too.  I just realized that where I was in life was like this little life sucking, thing that latched on to things other people loved for a time because I forgot the things I love.  There's got to be no filter, no censorship...just me, finding the best me with the best people around.  Oh Lawdy I can't wait for 33!

Today I started "She Reads Truth:Fresh Start" from the Bible app for Android.  I'll probably blog some thoughts as I plug along, I'd love for you to join me in reading it if you're so inclined.  It's a free app and plan...and although there are things spoken to women within it, it's also something that is truth (I think...maybe...I'm still sorting out thoughts...I'm pretty sure I'll find truth within it) and truth is for anyone regardless of your gender.  Today I bring you this thought...the first day of my new devotional in full, it's She Reads Truth, not me...but it's important because it's so relevant as He always has been to me...on or time and no one else's and there is to much good to only quote a portion. Plus, maybe it'll spur you to read with me:

When we read the remarkable account of the creation of the world, we see an epic and historic picture of the perfection of the pre-fallen world. And however the timeline played out, we know that the Bible tells us this: God is the Creator of all things.
And when we talk about beginnings, it is natural for us to also think about the ending. Beautifully woven, the Bible begins with creation and concludes with the new creation. The word of God tells us in Revelation, “And he who was seated on the throne said, ‘Behold, I am making all things new... I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end.’” (Rev. 21:5-6, ESV)
There is one Author and there is one Story. And the all-knowing Author knew how the story would end, even as he penned the seas and swarmed them with living creatures, and as He breathed life into the man whose sin would one day nail Him to a tree.
And knowing all of that - knowing that He was creating the plants and yielding the seeds that would one day be his cross, that the beasts of the fields would need to be used as sacrifices for His people - knowing this then, the Author and Creator saw it all and called it good.
But why? It may seem trite to say, but the answer is love. He made the world perfect knowing that it would become imperfect and that He would make it new again. And hard as it may be to believe, He did it for the process. God had the power to skip right to the end, or to never create the world to begin with. But he did create it, and he did it to show Himself to us, that we might know Him. That we might know the breadth and length and height and depth of his love for us (Eph 3:18); that we might experience His grace.
What will be your response today, sisters? Will you find comfort (even joy!) in the cradle of the Almighty’s hand? Will you rest in the hope that He will restore creation - that He will restore you? The newness came and it was glorious, and it is coming again!
“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation [that’s a promise]. But take heart; I have overcome the world [and so is that!]." (John 16:33, ESV, emphasis added)
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:8,9, ESV)

Whooooo. Amen. Lets do this, Friday!

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

This isn't a dream.

I'm going to write my paper, then I'm going to shower, put on some confidence and lipstick and tell some insecurity to fuck off at a coffee shop, while I read dating blogs of other heartbroken & wise women & laugh at the things we put ourselves through on the quest for love...and I'm going to look damn good doing it.

"I will fight for you, I won't compete for you." Read that this morning...realized that's my breaking point. That's the straw that has broken every relationship of importance in life thus far. There's a good bit of freedom in understanding that. It takes a lot of pressure off, ya know? I mean I dream of a guy who fights for me. Who says, "We could both have anyone we want, but I want you. I want you more than (insert whatever is important to, other women, oodles of personal space and free time...). I want you and because I want you & you want me the same, we are going to build something beautiful together!" A guy who wants to love bigger than himself. To let me put him first, even before me in most instances...and I'm happy to, because the core of who he is puts others first easily as well. I don't have to compete, we value one other beyond ourselves, so myself/himself is always cared for, even if I/he is not the one looking out for "me".

I do credit my Dad with wanting this trait & not settling in until it's there. He always loved selflessly & I have a selfless love for him. I think that's the key to making a long lasting love. To be able to love so selflessly that you don't have to fight for your other priories. The other side of the equation is unconditionally there and because of that you're free to have your own life, knowing confidently that should you need anything they drop it all for that moment because there is no bigger priority than you. 

No need to look for any man. Not never. Sure I want a man, an awesome partner in crime to swoon over and laugh so much the neighbors think we're drunk...but look? Nah. If being second to someone or something has broken my love life several times, it's high time to wait.

Wait until that one comes along and swoops in all confident of where he is in life. Realizing from the start he has everything he could want except me...because that's the kind of guy who will put me first. That's the kind of guy who won't be threatened by my boisterous side, or suffocated by my affection. He's the one who has everything he wants and I'm the icing on the cake...since he's tasted the flavors of other icing, he knows the rare find my flavor fact, he's been looking for my exact ingredients.  No need for him to keep searching, he'll realize and confidently pursue that which he can't be without. Now that's the kind of guy I'm interested in.

I'm the kind of girl who easily makes a man the center of my universe when he's got amazing in him. Is it so wrong to want the same in return? I say no. I'm rad and I want center stage...a two man show.  Just me and my man, laughing our way along together, oblivious to the world in some ways & totally confident/secure in us.

Until then, it's time to hog the spotlight for awhile. Enjoy this one man show...because frankly, it's the best act in town already & a little fine tuning of me won't hurt till then.

You guys, this isn't a dream. These are not impossible to attain expectations of what I will wait for. These are the makings of a foundation that can hold all the other shit relationships bring. No rose colored glasses...there will be shit. These are the things that bring steadfastness and faithfulness amidst shit.
(or whatever other name you've given me)