Friday, February 01, 2013

Tell me all your thoughts on God...

My soul is sad...and angry.  Even putting these words to paper feels weighted.  Heavy with judgement that I'm "In a dark place".  I'm defensive.  This place is lighter than I've been in quite some time.  I don't know if God is real & I don't care.  It doesn't feel important to me.  I think, (having grown for nearly 1/2 my life "in the church") this is a tough thought to swallow- to even slightly comprehend.  For so many people who are important to me God is a given...a "duh" in life.  For some God is easily understood, they "feel" Him.  I have thought I "felt Him" before, but I also wonder if that was because I needed to feel Him...or at a minimum something like I wanted Him to be.  I'm not angry, not even really apathetic or complacent like I have been in the past...maybe just "okay" is what I am.  I'm okay not knowing, I'm okay if He is or is not real.  If He is...I believe I'll be with Him, if He is not...well, I'll be dust and worms & that's just fine too.

I've seen too many people strive to live how they "should" while missing out on the joy of just living.  They go through the motions.  Joyless & lackluster they whittle this ONE life we get away, unhappy & resentful for experiences they've missed or burdened with expectations of who they should be rather than who they would like to be.  Rachel Marino, my "Bergie" and her crazy life coach (said totally lovingly), whom I've never met may have helped me rethink "should" and move toward "want".  There is a freedom in living like that.  Expectations of others & the contemplation of motives is almost gone all together.  It's not important why someone can or can't meet my needs...I care genuinely more about theirs.  I find myself caring less about what "should" be done and more about what I "want" to be doing.  I find that the things I "should" do have over time re-aligned themselves again with my wants.

I want to feel important.  I want deep and meaningful, lasting friendships.  Sometimes to make that happen we "should" put others first.  It's almost natural anymore to live like this.  To give of my time  money love, whatever- to invest.  When it's natural, who cares if you should do it.  Your priorities shift all together.  It's lovely.  This is why I don't care if God is real.  If He is, it doesn't change the desire of my heart.  If He is, serving each other out of love is something I'm quite sure He would want.  If He isn't, it's good to be selfless without an ulterior motive.  I'm not existing in this life so that I may live in the next.  I'm living fully and wholly now.  I'm not drudging through Earth to get to the ultimate goal of Heaven.  I don't care if Heaven is real.  Awesome if it is because i would really like to hear my Grandpa say "Ho, Min!" and listen to his ear flap as he scratches an itch, but if it isn't...if I never see Heaven, that's so okay because this real life that I live everyday...the one I wake up to and close my eyes at the end of is full of abundance.  I'm living now.  I don't NEED Heaven, Heaven's a bonus.

My heart longs to find a companion who also lives like this.  I sing worship songs, attend church or mass and I pray...odd I understand as I'm not sure on the existence of God.  I think I do this because I want to.  Because these are positive practices I learned from Christianity.  I'm comfortable in who I've become the past 7 months...(really, in the last probably year and a half that it took to bring me to where I am now).  It's funny.  I was lonely for company tonight when a couple of friends couldn't or didn't want to go to dinner, but I'm not sad.  I'm lonely.  I recognize my emotions better.  I'm more aware of my own intent.  I'm aware when i'm being (or I try to be aware) manipulative to get my way.  It's easier to recognize selfishness when you truly WANT to be selfless.  I'm not as defensive of my decision to leave my marriage and in the process break the heart of someone I love...many I love really.  It still hurts- deeply.  Probably always will hold a sting.  It wasn't supposed to be this way.  Marriage was supposed to mean I never had a broken heart again (and that I protected his heart the same way), right?  It's kind of hard to explain and maybe it just doesn't make sense how a selfish choice like divorce has given me freedom and passion to be selfless again.  That's okay.  Life doesn't always make sense.  I'm not at all saying I'm some saint who is all loving, self sacrificing and perfect here.  I'm simply saying that the desire of my heart is positive, the world is good, this life is good...and there doesn't need to be a God in order to serve others the way Christianity teaches.  We can do so just because caring for other people is such a rad way to live.        

Operation Ornament Update

So sorry it has taken me so long to do an update.  (I have yet to get my thank you cards for all the beautiful ornaments sent out as well...maybe this week on my day off?)  Christmas was great and it was too too good to be home with my family.  I love those crazies more than I have words for.  The drive back was a bit insane as the roads were terrible, but I made it eventually and in one piece, so all is well.

Just wanted to post a quick picture of how things turned out for my sweet little tree.  
Completely overwhelmed at how kind ya'll are!  DO YOU SEE HOW FULL THAT THING IS?!  Beautiful blessings.  The notes were so great as were the ornaments and extra dodads included in many of the packages.  Plus, it was so super fun to get so many packages!  Thank you, thank you, thank you!  You guys really did make my tree and holidays brighter. 

Much love,