Saturday, October 06, 2012

My heart grew three sizes today

I miss my Pickles a whole lot. Way more than I can say. Today I got a new friend. He will not replace my little man but he will make this journey we call life a little easier. This is Mulligan Mumford:

Thursday, October 04, 2012

It's an art...

to be alone and not be lonely.  I manage pretty well.  Or, I think I do.  Then…there are nights like tonight.  Tonight I’m more of a wrecking ball than an artist.  I’ve laid in bed for over an hour now staring at the ceiling…literally twiddling my thumbs.  Sighing.  Flopping my arms on the covers to tuck them a bit tighter.  Covering my face and breathing in deep and out slooooooow.  Thinking.  Thinking can be a terrible thing on an evening as torturous as this.  I got out my engagement ring tonight for the first time in months and studied it.  Because that’s the kind of dumb ass shit you do when you are a wrecking ball.  I contemplated all the promise it held at one time and mourned the dreams I’m letting go with the vows its accompanying band held.  This decision is 100% mine. (I’m even leaving the disclaimers in my head out tonight).  I put THIS larger wrecking ball in motion and sometimes when the weight of it crashes into my soul I physically feel it.  I don’t know if that makes sense, but it’s true.  The heart, I believe is a physical house for the deepest feelings…happy or sad and I feel it.  Sometimes we just need to feel it. 
                I’m going to stop dating…I don’t know how long…that’s not the point.  I’ve realized in the absence of 2 date dude that dating isn’t what I need right now.  Dating helps me not have to feel this.  I want to not feel this.  (I desperately on this shitty, salty checked snot fest of an evening want to feel probably anything but this.)  That’s just not how I do life though.  I never have and I don’t want to start now.  I don’t replace things.  I don’t just stop feeling something and fill it up with another thing.  So, obviously I don’t want to feel this, but I think I need to.  I need to lay in bed until I can’t stand it anymore, snuggle into my couch and find some reprieve in a blog, book, music, movie…or even silence when these nights get heavy.  Letting myself feel the shitty nights makes me stronger and makes the cheerful ones that much sweeter.  I’m not like sitting around torturing myself with loneliness, please don’t read that wrong.  I’m not depressed, though if I only end up posting on nights like this it may seem that way.  Ha, ha…I guess that’s the way it goes sometimes (and also why there may be a bit of time in between posts).  What I am doing is working on me.  I know how to be alone and not be lonely.  I loved being single pre marriage.  LOVED it.  I know that feeling and I drink deeply the memories of that time, knowing that I knew who I was and who I wanted to be...and subsequently I have a good version of who I am to become, who I want to become.    
                I was a runner.  5 miles almost every day.  I was a dreamer and less of a cynic.  I was sincerely happy (I’m getting that part back first…and I feel pretty much like I can even cross it off the list, because more days than not I’m just elated with life).  I was contemplative on the more important things beyond myself in life.  I was ready to find love not because I needed it but because I wanted it.  I’m not ready for that right now.  I may want that, but I don’t think I would even know what to do with it if it came along and kissed me on the cheek.  I’ve gotta find that dreamer again to have the kind of love that I want someday.  This cynic has got to shut her dumb ass up and remember the beauty in the little things.  I’m very outgoing…probably all of my college friends and acquaintances would say so. 
                It’s funny to think about college.  I couldn’t care less about dating in college.  I often wondered if my family thought I was a lesbian.  Ha ha.  Didn’t care.  Romance was just not really on the radar most of the time.  I had (have) great friends and life was awesome.  After college there was just weirdness in romance (a long story with a hometown boy that did not end pretty…and in some ways is still not ending pretty because I know this relationship impacted Nick and I.  It wasn’t the right time to start a new relationship, that’s for sure), but at the same time I had a job I loved, friends that were amazing, a cute apartment that was “so me”.  I was in an awesome place and I enjoyed my alone time just as much as my time investing in friends and family. 
                I don’t want to be JUST like that.  I’m older and cliché as it may be, I’m wiser.  This new, wiser girl, she’s the one who put the kibosh on dating for a bit.  The last thing I need is to meet someone I think is great right now and move right into that.  I am going to get a dog.  I am.  That’s the one thing I know I do need right now.  A running buddy and a bed hog. J  Yes, said dog will sleep in my bed (providing I can figure out a way for it to get up on my hugely high fit for a princess mountain o’ mattress).  Dogs help ease the lonelys and are really great friends.  I’m intentionally investing in friendships here…it’s harder as an adult.  You know, your friends have kids and everyone is working different schedules and you’re focused on what you want next in your own life and how to maneuver where you are currently.  I have some pretty stinkin’ great friends, but there’s just an element missing and part of that I think is my own willingness to invest.  Part of that is going out all the time.  My best friends…I go to their house, they come to mine, there’s not this need to meet up somewhere and go out, however that’s a great place to start.  For instance, last night I watched a movie (after watching movies all day) and skipped going to dinner with a friend whom I haven’t seen since “school started”.  No, no, no, absolutely not.  That shit’s gotta stop.  I’m not a movie above friends kind of girl.  It was a funk.  Blogging will help me get over it.  It’s ok. 
                Trisha, Judi, and Jess were huge during those days.  Those days I felt the closest to the me I want to be than I have in life thus far and I am eager to get that feeling again.  That settled, confident, loving every part of my life feeling again.  So, my goals right now are: Find a place to volunteer (Erin, this may be your classroom…bonus, I’ll see that girl since school has started and love on some kiddos), (this is gonna get hairy with class starting again next week) because though I love Verizon for the stability and challenge it brings me as well as the many perks it affords me it is not my end all in life.  I need service to feel like I’m doing what I should be doing.  I want a vocation that is bigger than me.  OMG!  I just realized that the WORLD is open to me again…maybe I’ll find a job in a few years where I can travel!  Rad.  Sorry, that was a side note.  Next goal, run at least 2 times a week.  I’ve gotten out of this habit that I was doing well with.  Last, get said dog. 
                Blogging really does clear my mind.  I’m sleepy already and feeling much more light-hearted.  I’m going to enjoy going out with my friends AND STAYING IN.  I’m going to enjoy being their friend and maybe more importantly allow them to be my friend.  It’s weird when your best friend is your spouse for so long to just not have them there.  Nick was my best friend.  I wish he still could be my best friend, but not my husband.  Two great people aren’t always great together and that’s where this new story starts.  I’m so excited about where I am and about facing this lonely abyss head on.  Bring it, lonely, I’m ready.  And yes, for the love of all of you great girls in my life…I will finally get a counselor, because that “lonely I’m ready” line probably hasn’t seen anything yet.  I am guessing that court finalization is only about a month or two away…for sure by the end of the year (another attainable goal…) and I can’t even imagine what that one itty bitty day out of 365 this year will feel like (Ahminda you may need to make travel arrangements when I get that date)…or the days after.  Good and also sad, I’m sure.  Just like the rest of this process.  It’s a settling in my soul to make this decision to face lonely and re-learn how to be alone and it makes me feel a lot like that girl I used to be.  I take charge and do what I want, not what’s easy.  It’s a lovely, confident place…expectant of wonderful friendships and loads more cooking…ya’ll better get ready to come for dinner. J With that and a clear mind, I’m going to sleepy nigh nigh. G’night.