Tuesday, September 04, 2012

The sole of her feet weren't as tough as she claimed them to be...

Katie Costello: Lost & Far From Home

I’ve had a pretty great day.  I woke up in an excellent mood and I got to be a friend today.  I like being a friend.  (Often we say “good” friend…what’s that?  You are either a friend or you aren’t.)  But, RIGHT NOW…right now.  right in this second I feel really lonely.  This is the kind of shit that makes my Dad worry.  There’s nothing to worry about Dad.  I know I’ll be ok.  I’m not like depressed and this happens regularly or something. 

People were mean yesterday.  I don’t understand being mean.  Mean hurts.  I may have been able to deal well with things yesterday, but after they marinade overnight, it’s ok to admit they hurt.  I’ve not been unkind (intentionally) in this process and I don’t understand why someone would be like that.  (And so help me if I find out any of my 'friends' acts in that manner to Nick I will flip the fuck out.)  I double still don’t get it when it comes from people within the church.  I don’t even mind at all people telling me they are disappointed or disagree and what not with my choices and where I’m at…but to have so much venom in your words...it’s like you want them to hit me like poison.  You want them to wound me the way a toxin does the body.  And, so, though I’m trying hard to be strong and brave in this process, knowing with certainty I’m making the right choices for myself…though I want to ignore the tight ball in my throat holding back the tears, I can’t.  I’m not strong all the time and I am not always ok. 

THIS PROCESS SUCKS A WHOLE FUCKING LOT AND IT HURTS THAT MUCH TOO.  It’s nights like this when I wish that someone was here to hold me and let me cry because crying alone when you’re in pain only amplifies how lonely this place is.  It’s like stereo sound silence wrapping blanket of suffocation around you until you’re just uncomfortable enough to let the ache out with the tears.  and.that.is.where.i.am. 

I was supposed to go home, but I stayed in Ohio to be responsible…sometimes responsible is overrated.  I want to be on the pontoon with my Dad or holding my new baby niece instead of crying on my couch.  So, the next time you want to give me all your thoughts, it’s ok…you’re free to, but could you at least try a little to as Kristin would say “filter them through grace and compassion first”?

My heart is heavy.  I’ve not had a real good hug in a long time and I miss having the warmth of comfortable company near me on the couch.  Physically I feel the ache of this process, mentally some days I’m just depleted and can’t think anymore and emotionally…well emotionally- tonight I’m gonna cry.