Divorce is not fun. Every time I see Nick it hurts that he is hurting so deeply and I know that it’s “my fault”. It would hurt with anyone because I don’t like to every put intentional burden upon another person, but it hurts double because I know a similar kind of hurt and I would not wish it on…anyone. I care about him and I pray every day that he has a little comfort, a little sunshine and a lot of hope that things will be better. I can’t give that to him right now because I know that would involve going back to a place that I’m not willing to go.
I want to say that coming back to being myself…the person I want to be, waking up the things that are important to me is fun. Mostly, I guess it is. It’s also very confusing. It’s so weird to have this great feeling of contentment with where I am while also knowing that my friend, a friend who I promised forever to hurts more with each new choice I make that moves further from that forever. I guess that’s the part people don’t think about with divorce. It’s hard to be super happy when some of where you are feels so selfish. I know this sounds rather roller-coastery, but in general it is not. Most days are good, few days are hard.
I had a date last night. I have a date tomorrow…with a different guy, and there are three other guys who are trying to make plans for dates. I’m going. I’m enjoying seeing more of the city (and feeling all this chaos at the same time as I drive by a place in this city that holds a really great memory with my friend…who I promised forever). I am not looking for a replacement. I don’t need to replace Nick. If a replacement was what I wanted I wouldn’t have decided to leave him in the first place. He’s a really good man. He will be a really great man for someone else, I hope, someday. The life we had is not the life I want for forever though. I said today in an email to his Mom (whom I also miss and have not talked to in 2 months) that had I known what ministry would entail I would never have made the choice to get married in the first place. I wouldn’t want to put this on anyone and a majority of the time I feel like a big jerk that I let the words spill out of my brain all soggy from how long they had marinated. But, ya know…sometimes words need air so that the sogginess can breathe a little. I’m sure eventually I’ll be on a date with one of these obviously intelligent men with 20/20 vision here in Columbus and I’ll see someone who’s a friend of Nick and I, or I may even see Nick himself…I think about that moment. I think that moment, knowing that even if only for a split second of time the universe will suck all air from my lungs and thrust that gaging ball of emotion into my throat, my eyes will fight tears and I’ll hurt, and they will hurt and then the world will keep spinning and the date will keep going. It’s an odd thing to think about, but I do. It’ll be ok if and when it does happen. It won’t be easy, but neither is starting the process of breaking someone’s heart…and the world is still spinning today, over 2 months later.
The friend that I spoke of in my last post is frankly a saint. We talk, often. He listens to the crazy days of hurt as well as the fun times of new adventures. He listens and encourages and frankly he’s amazing. He’s the perfect friend right now. It’s confusing because we do feel like there are some sparks in that relationship, but when you live practically on the moon from each other and there is all this kind of chaos going on it’s really easier to be friends. It’s easier and more ok and more right, right now. He encourages my dates and shenanigans and also lets me be a puddly sobbing mess if that’s the kind of night I’m having. It’s very comfortable and so, so much of a blessing to not need a filter, to have a cheerleader and a comforter in your corner. It was unexpected the way this old friendship has so quickly sprouted into something so wonderful. Was isn’t the right word…it is unexpected even still. Neither of us are quite sure what to do with some parts of things and if we talk too much about “us” it turns all heavy. It’s not where things are. I was thinking on it earlier today and I thought, “why does every relationship have to be defined? Why isn’t it ok to just let it be whatever it wants to be, wherever it is however it is without the confines and expectations of titles…friends, more than friends, relationship, long-distance relationship, boyfriend, girlfriend…who the hell needs that? Not this girl, or that boy.” No need to rush things, no need to put up lines and fences…and walls. It’s a really good place and he’s a really great guy.
I have a meeting with the attorney in about a week and a half to really get this thing, this divorce moving. It’s confusing. Liberating for one and totally earth shattering for the other. It hurts and it heals, it lifts one burden and places another. So, I’ve also decided to start some individual counseling. I called a couple places. One that I was really looking forward to by the lady’s name alone “Thelma” is retiring…man, I’m missing out on such wisdom, I’m sure of it. I’m going to check the other few and get an appointment set up. I think that will be really good. I need some help with focusing and direction. Not direction where someone else tells me what to do or how to do it, just maybe help figuring out what I want to do and where I’d like to be in life.
I have some reconciling that will need to be done in the hopefully near future with my sister and my Mom and possibly my Aunt…they’ll need to understand that things are not going to “work out” with Nick, we aren’t going to “fix it” and that’s going to need to be something they handle. They don’t have to be “okay” with it, but I need them to still love me and I’ve not felt loved by them. You can really dislike someone’s choices and still care about them you know. You can still ask them how they are doing and where they are in life. I have lots more going on to talk about than my divorce. I’m doing great in my new position (number one on my team right now) and I’m getting A’s in school still. When this semester started I thought for sure I’d sink given all the changes, but I’m thriving. Sometimes it feels just my nose is sticking out of the water, keeping me breathing and the rest of me is totally overwhelmed, but I must be doing something right.
I took Prozac for the last couple/few (?) years. After my Grandma passed away I was having a really hard time and things with Nick at that time weren’t good. I was hurting a lot and didn’t know how to deal. We’re talking go cry on the bathroom floor every night and miss sleep, or fall asleep there in the dark quietly sobbing, sneak back to bed not good. I’ve been off that “wonder drug” for almost 3 months now and I haven’t felt more like myself in a very, very long time. I’m witty, creative and thoughtful (not that I totally lost that, but it definitely feels different in a great way). I don’t care about church anymore at all and me and God are working things out. I’m not really sure about Him these days, but my prayer life is good. I am happy and I’m finding my happiness in things that matter…being good to people.
I read this quote the other day:
“Do not think that love in order to be genuine has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired. Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.” –Mother Teresa
It made me wonder if that’s what I did…if I grew tired. Then, said saintly friend reminded me that romantic love is very different than the love and service and devotion Mother Teresa dedicated her life. The English language sucks for that reason alone. Love of one kind does not exist, there are many forms and we must keep them in context. We must also finish the quote “Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.” Hearing the end of that quote also resonated with me because if I did grow tired, if we do apply this to romantic love, I have to say…the small (yet hugely important) things were lacking for quite a while.
“I don’t know what’s out there or what’s waiting for me, but whatever it is, I’m going to find it.”