Wednesday, August 29, 2012

The Nitty Gritty…

Divorce is not fun.  Every time I see Nick it hurts that he is hurting so deeply and I know that it’s “my fault”.  It would hurt with anyone because I don’t like to every put intentional burden upon another person, but it hurts double because I know a similar kind of hurt and I would not wish it on…anyone.  I care about him and I pray every day that he has a little comfort, a little sunshine and a lot of hope that things will be better.  I can’t give that to him right now because I know that would involve going back to a place that I’m not willing to go. 

I want to say that coming back to being myself…the person I want to be, waking up the things that are important to me is fun.  Mostly, I guess it is.  It’s also very confusing.  It’s so weird to have this great feeling of contentment with where I am while also knowing that my friend, a friend who I promised forever to hurts more with each new choice I make that moves further from that forever.  I guess that’s the part people don’t think about with divorce.   It’s hard to be super happy when some of where you are feels so selfish.  I know this sounds rather roller-coastery, but in general it is not.  Most days are good, few days are hard.   

I had a date last night.  I have a date tomorrow…with a different guy, and there are three other guys who are trying to make plans for dates.  I’m going.  I’m enjoying seeing more of the city (and feeling all this chaos at the same time as I drive by a place in this city that holds a really great memory with my friend…who I promised forever).  I am not looking for a replacement.  I don’t need to replace Nick.  If a replacement was what I wanted I wouldn’t have decided to leave him in the first place.  He’s a really good man.  He will be a really great man for someone else, I hope, someday.  The life we had is not the life I want for forever though.  I said today in an email to his Mom (whom I also miss and have not talked to in 2 months) that had I known what ministry would entail I would never have made the choice to get married in the first place.  I wouldn’t want to put this on anyone and a majority of the time I feel like a big jerk that I let the words spill out of my brain all soggy from how long they had marinated.  But, ya know…sometimes words need air so that the sogginess can breathe a little.  I’m sure eventually I’ll be on a date with one of these obviously intelligent men with 20/20 vision here in Columbus and I’ll see someone who’s a friend of Nick and I, or I may even see Nick himself…I think about that moment.  I think that moment, knowing that even if only for a split second of time the universe will suck all air from my lungs and thrust that gaging ball of emotion into my throat, my eyes will fight tears and I’ll hurt, and they will hurt and then the world will keep spinning and the date will keep going.  It’s an odd thing to think about, but I do.  It’ll be ok if and when it does happen.  It won’t be easy, but neither is starting the process of breaking someone’s heart…and the world is still spinning today, over 2 months later.     

The friend that I spoke of in my last post is frankly a saint.  We talk, often.  He listens to the crazy days of hurt as well as the fun times of new adventures.  He listens and encourages and frankly he’s amazing.  He’s the perfect friend right now.  It’s confusing because we do feel like there are some sparks in that relationship, but when you live practically on the moon from each other and there is all this kind of chaos going on it’s really easier to be friends.  It’s easier and more ok and more right, right now.  He encourages my dates and shenanigans and also lets me be a puddly sobbing mess if that’s the kind of night I’m having.  It’s very comfortable and so, so much of a blessing to not need a filter, to have a cheerleader and a comforter in your corner.  It was unexpected the way this old friendship has so quickly sprouted into something so wonderful.  Was isn’t the right word…it is unexpected even still.  Neither of us are quite sure what to do with some parts of things and if we talk too much about “us” it turns all heavy.  It’s not where things are.  I was thinking on it earlier today and I thought, “why does every relationship have to be defined?  Why isn’t it ok to just let it be whatever it wants to be, wherever it is however it is without the confines and expectations of titles…friends, more than friends, relationship, long-distance relationship, boyfriend, girlfriend…who the hell needs that?  Not this girl, or that boy.”  No need to rush things, no need to put up lines and fences…and walls.  It’s a really good place and he’s a really great guy.

I have a meeting with the attorney in about a week and a half to really get this thing, this divorce moving.  It’s confusing.   Liberating for one and totally earth shattering for the other.  It hurts and it heals, it lifts one burden and places another.  So, I’ve also decided to start some individual counseling.  I called a couple places.  One that I was really looking forward to by the lady’s name alone “Thelma” is retiring…man, I’m missing out on such wisdom, I’m sure of it.  I’m going to check the other few and get an appointment set up.  I think that will be really good.  I need some help with focusing and direction.  Not direction where someone else tells me what to do or how to do it, just maybe help figuring out what I want to do and where I’d like to be in life. 

I have some reconciling that will need to be done in the hopefully near future with my sister and my Mom and possibly my Aunt…they’ll need to understand that things are not going to “work out” with Nick, we aren’t going to “fix it” and that’s going to need to be something they handle.  They don’t have to be “okay” with it, but I need them to still love me and I’ve not felt loved by them.   You can really dislike someone’s choices and still care about them you know.  You can still ask them how they are doing and where they are in life.  I have lots more going on to talk about than my divorce.   I’m doing great in my new position (number one on my team right now) and I’m getting A’s in school still.  When this semester started I thought for sure I’d sink given all the changes, but I’m thriving.  Sometimes it feels just my nose is sticking out of the water, keeping me breathing and the rest of me is totally overwhelmed, but I must be doing something right. 

I took Prozac for the last couple/few (?) years.  After my Grandma passed away I was having a really hard time and things with Nick at that time weren’t good.  I was hurting a lot and didn’t know how to deal.  We’re talking go cry on the bathroom floor every night and miss sleep, or fall asleep there in the dark quietly sobbing, sneak back to bed not good.  I’ve been off that “wonder drug” for almost 3 months now and I haven’t felt more like myself in a very, very long time.  I’m witty, creative and thoughtful (not that I totally lost that, but it definitely feels different in a great way).  I don’t care about church anymore at all and me and God are working things out.  I’m not really sure about Him these days, but my prayer life is good.  I am happy and I’m finding my happiness in things that matter…being good to people. 

I read this quote the other day:  

“Do not think that love in order to be genuine has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired. Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.” –Mother Teresa

It made me wonder if that’s what I did…if I grew tired.  Then, said saintly friend reminded me that romantic love is very different than the love and service and devotion Mother Teresa dedicated her life.  The English language sucks for that reason alone.  Love of one kind does not exist, there are many forms and we must keep them in context.  We must also finish the quote “Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.”  Hearing the end of that quote also resonated with me because if I did grow tired, if we do apply this to romantic love, I have to say…the small (yet hugely important) things were lacking for quite a while. 

Good Deeds:
“I don’t know what’s out there or what’s waiting for me, but whatever it is, I’m going to find it.”         

Friday, August 10, 2012

I've surrendered to finality.

This is certainly an interesting beginning to a journey I never thought that I’d be taking.  I don’t wish this hurt upon anyone.  I’m not hurting because “it’s  over…” I’m just grieving the loss of an idea and deeply hurting that I’ve hurt someone I care for.  I think that’s the hardest part.  I never WANT to hurt anyone…any sane person shouldn’t.  But I am.  I’m hurting him deeply and there is nothing I can do to help and still have the outcome be as I know in my heart it should. 

It’s confusing to be where I am.  Overwhelming.  Heavy.  I’m not going to go into a ton of details but be it though Nick, the church, or friends even I’ve felt very pressured to be someone I’m not…and I’m realizing now that I was not strong…certainly not as strong as I always felt I was.  I allowed myself to change into someone I thought people wanted me to be.  Everyone would surely say they never intended to make me feel like that and that they “love me just the way I am.”  But it’s not entirely true, we all have hopes for other people to be their best self and sometimes our idea does not align with what their best self would REALLY look like.

I spent last night (the first full day since letting the words topple out of my brain and into the universe…it’s over, no repair, no fix, it’s over…) running in the rain and then crumpled in wet, sobbing, snotty ball on the floor of my lonesome apartment.  I made it though.  I made it through that unbelievably shitty day and the conversation that broke the universe with supersonic silence the night before.  My heart physically aches.  There’s no way to explain it for someone to understand unless they unfortunately have gone through it as well…and even then every situation is different…and there are always two sides.  I made it.  I sobbed, as loud and as long as I needed.  I took my sweaty, rain drenched shirt off and used it to soak up the massive river of snot that happens when you let it all out that hard.

I woke up today.  I laid in bed and stared at the celling, willing myself to get up and get going.  I checked my phone to see how much longer I could procrastinate this day (this is fairly normal…)  I checked Facebook and was able to celebrate the wonderful news of Ra and Jenna Kuan being pregnant.  After a miscarriage last year and all of the heartache that follows that loss, they are on a new journey as well.  It reminded me I’m going to have a new start and my beautiful miracle is not just around the corner…I’m starting it now.  I got out of bed, I washed the crusty leftovers of last night’s emotions off my face…and arm, (Yeah, I just wiped snot on my arm and didn’t fully clean it off before I crawled into bed.) went into work early to occupy a couple extra hours of the day with over time.  Spent the day focused (I really kicked some email ass most of the day) listening to some piano and instrumental music mostly…words were just the gravity my mind needed to pull back to hurt rather than push forward…so I chose against hearing them.  It’s not easy.  Several times today I took a deep breath and upon exhale reminded myself I am strong…because I want to be.  (Annnd because if I didn’t I could have turned all wilty right there at my desk…or in my Supervisor’s cube during our weekly meeting.)  I want to be a better person than I was yesterday…every day from here forward.  I’m going to figure out how to do that.  I’m going to feel more assured of whom I want to be and I’m really not going to care who approves or who does not.  This isn’t going to happen overnight, but right now it’s the biggest lesson I’m learning.  How to be me. 

My heart aches that I am hurting Nick and hurting my friends and family for all the dreams we had that I am breaking.  I know that with time we’ll all heal.  In a lot of ways I started moving forward long before I had the courage to tell Nick “I want a divorce” (nearly 2 months ago) and change the course of our history forever.  Nick asked on Wednesday when I raised the final flag of surrender if there is someone else.  Nope.  Not necessarily.  A couple days ago I reconnected with an old friend that is simply spectacular and I’m unexpectedly interested in him. (Not because it's him...I would have gone out with him in college if he would have asked.  And the adult man he's grown into is very attractive to me.  He's accomplished a lot that I admire, has gone through some really terrible hurt and came out with his humor intact, and is simply someone that I could learn a lot from.  Totally unexpected because the timing of someone so great popping into my life is exciting and weird and overwhelming.)  I look forward to a text or a phone call…as he lives practically on the moon from Columbus who knows what will happen. As I’m pretty much an unconfident, sloppy mess right now I’m not really ready to go hopping into a serious situation.  I told Nick about how I feel ready to spend time with men who are light-hearted and fun to be around…I guess you could say I’m ready to date.  I’m ready to have some of the things I’ve felt were lacking in our relationship and I want to see what’s out there…ready for companionship.  I know that finding something special is not easy…that’s why reconnecting with Mr. Unexpected is terrifying.   No reason to freak out and lecture me here people, I’m not hopping into something, but I am going to spread my wings a bit.  I am enjoying kind words and really enjoy the laughter and calm wisdom this Mr. has brought to my days.  I am very aware that I do not want to be in a situation where I only look at what I am getting from any man…I like that I also want to give of myself and my heart.  I am hopeful to find love and someone who wants similar things as I want in life…eventually.  I look forward to finding someone who looks forward to me and thinks I’m anything but ordinary.  I look even more forward to making a special guy know that he is extraordinary and anything but ordinary to me as well.       

It makes my brain hurt to think about all of this and quite frankly there are some things I’m learning about myself already that are not what I expected.  I like having the opportunity to be 100% real with myself.  I don’t know that everyone gets that opportunity in life because I think a lot of us make choices and then keep making more choices off of that choice…which is not wrong, don’t take it that way…even if our continued choices still don’t allow us to be happy.  I feel like I’ve given up a lot of what I want to do and who I want to be and I am excited about all of the possibilities before me.  Love included…whew, that’s scary.  I have a few goals right now…start running and eating healthy again (I have and it sucks to lug around the extra weight I’ve put on…but I have lost 12 pounds and it’s getting easier.), figure out how I feel about God (this ain’t going to happen quickly and may be lifelong…I’m ok with that), finish my masters…because I can, volunteer somewhere even if only an hour a couple times a month and read more for leisure.  Those are my goals, that’s where I am at. 

So, how am I ending this evening?  I’m not crying, I feel peaceful.  I know that more tears will come, but I also know that more laughter will too and I am absolutely certain that I am going to be just fine.  I am absolutely certain with anticipation that my future is going to be rad and I can’t wait to see what it holds.                    

  A few quotes that I found and like lately:
“Speak the truth even if your voice shakes.” (Someone very wise, don’t know who)
“Never ever settle.”  (Don’t know who said it but I whole heartedly subscribe.  I don’t want to settle and I don’t want anyone settling for me.)
“Try not to confuse ‘attachment’ with ‘love.’  Attachment is about fear and dependency, and has more to do with love of self than love of another.  Love without attachment is the purest love because it’s about what others can give you because you’re empty.  It’s about what you can give others because you’re already full.” –Yasmin Mogahed

“Never love anybody who treats you like you’re ordinary.” Oscar Wilde (I think we should love everybody, but in terms of romantic love, I agree.)
The photos are of my latest additions to the apartment.  Both remind me of what is important to me right now.