Friday, July 20, 2012

Where I'm at today

I always appreciate hearing a genuine thought whether I agree or not. I do not feel homosexuality is wrong. I don't have biblical basis as I've not really taken the time to research. I'm in that fine struggle of figuring out what my faith is and what it means to me. Nick (my husband) is very conservative...we are separated right now and part of our problems come in because I'm not willing to compromise to a life that does not seem to offer grace and live though that is what the church preaches. We start counseling in August...prayers appreciated as I do love him and want desperately for things to work out.  I have left the church at this point due to my own experiences with pastors preaching one thing and living another. It's not what I want for my life. I believe I'm still a Christian and will see my Jesus someday, but I also respect that others do not agree. As most of you know I was not raised in the church.  My adult understanding of the things that were naively easy to believe as a teen in youth group are vastly different. A lot of my thought processes changing comes from looking at my Father who is a very moral and self sacrificial man in comparison to the men who were my pastors...not moral and very selfish. I would rather live like my dad than those idiots any day of the week. I would rather do what's right because I believe it to be right than out of obligation to the church or even to Christ. I want to be Christlike but I do not align with the thought that doing so involves making others feel unloved in any way. Within the church in my most recent experiences and in my marriage I was made to feel like I had to align myself with ideas I can't, don't and won't support.  I know that is disheartening to hear, but I really feel I am at a better place than I have been in years and I am interested in my relationship with God again...something I had not been in a long time.  I may not align with the way you or many of my friends understand Christianity, but I'm ok with that because it is my relationship with God that has suffered by staying within those lines and I've got to breathe again. I've got to be me: living, graceful, respectful of others rights and also able to express my opinion.  I've got to be nice because nice matters, I've got to volunteer and care for people and be in nature because that's worship to me. Not because there is an obligation, but because I can't help but do that which brings unconditional love to another. 

Sunday, July 01, 2012

I'm going to start dating.

I met a guy that I really like and I'm going to start dating him.  It's kind of crazy because it's so soon, but things with Nick have been moving really fast in general (so weird) and I feel like this is a good time to see if there could be something really good there.  Nick and I are going to start counseling sometime after he moves out next week.  I think that will be good.  It will be interesting to be where I am (and not feeling guilty for it) with the church and also going to counseling...I sure hope it helps us understand things better and communicate more easily.

So about this guy...He's tall.  I'd say about 6'3" or 6'4".  He's funny and loves Jesus (we'll see how that part goes...I like it, but if it gets too churchy we'll have to see...)  I actually knew him from college...which I'm sure is just no shock since everyone thought there was another man.  I'm really attracted to him these days and I am excited to see where things go.  It's going to be so weird to be able to go on a date and order a drink without feeling like Nick is there judging me.  I think it will be nice though to just have a romantic dinner and a glass of wine, or even pizza and a beer.  I look forward to knowing what that's like.  He has the most handsome eyes ever...eyelashes, just stop...they are wicked long and super good looking.  We have kissed and let me tell you, SPARKS.  Nick and I haven't had that much passion...well, in a long time.  I REALLY like that!  Today I've found myself just daydreaming of him all day long like a little school girl.

So, Wednesday we are going on a date.  I can't wait!  A DATE!!!  Since Nick and I were 5 hours apart we never really got to "date."  He said he's surprising me and is only going to tell me how I should dress, but not at all what we are doing.  I LOVE SURPRISES...Nick is terrible with surprises because he gets too excited and always lets the cat out of the bag early.  This is going to be new and fun and I seriously can't wait!

It was kind of a hard week while Nick was at camp last week.  I realized how much I really miss having him around.  I didn't mind being alone, but I don't like being lonely.  It's still going to be lonely with him moving out, but since I'm going to be going on dates, hopefully it won't be so bad.  I have never really been a car person, don't care what kind of car someone drives...but it's also going to be fun to have a man pick me up and take me out...NOT in a Mini Van.  He just got a new car last week...a Dodge Charger.  I'm not gonna lie, it's kinda hot.  I feel like he's got a little swagger from the car.  Guys are so funny.  I hope he tells me early how to dress...a girl needs a minute to pick out the perfect clothes for something like this.

For those of you reading this and thinking, "Oh my gosh, I can't believe Mindy is doing that and putting it out there for everyone to know!"  Just know that I am not worried what you think because I want to be where I am and figure things out as slow or as fast as I need to.

...and for those of you who just need names, it's Nick.  Nick's taking me on a date on Wednesday and everything else I said too...and I am a very happy girl, with a beautiful ring on my left hand that I have missed for the last 3 weeks.