Tuesday, June 26, 2012

It happened June 12th.

I have told Nick I want a Divorce. 

It’s heavy.  I know.  Let it sink in…we are.

We are digesting things day by day and each day is different.  Today I feel tired.  Yesterday I was sad, the day before I was excited about all life’s possibilities.  I have the best friends and family ever.  Not always saying what I’d like to hear, but being real with where this puts them…and for the most part I appreciate that part of things…even though some of it sucks.  I really appreciate first and foremost Ronald Spencer and Karen for their unconditional support, Ahminda West for her consistent and real encouragement, Andrew McVay for his listening ear and heartfelt advice, Brett Adema for coming over on Tuesday the 12th, frosty in hand just to sit with me while I cried.  I’ll never forget those first few moments and how much you guys meant to me…and in more recent days Tina Robertson, Janet Hamilton, Erin Peebles, Michael Remole, and Roxanne…Oh, Roxanne.  You’re always there and I love you so much for it.  I really have the best friends around.  You let me be where I am in every moment and don’t try to make me be some other place that may be easier for you.  Thank you.  
This was and is not an easy decision…and for many of you it seemingly comes out of the blue.  It is not a decision that has come out of the blue for me.  Nick is my best friend.  He’s funny and fun to be around.  I enjoy his company.  I know that saying all of that makes this less easy to understand, but I have to preface this news with that disclaimer.  I will not speak harsh words about him because I care about him and that is not going to change. We still talk every day and text and even had dinner last week…I want him in my life still.  He is a good, good man.  Unfortunately, caring about someone is not enough to overcome some of the battles I am facing.      

I am not in a good place with the church (and I’m really, really working on where I am at with God), but I’m ok with that (PLEASE, do not send me emails about how you are praying for me and how God can change this…I hear you without them.  I don’t understand that right now and it only further turns me off because I feel no grace in the judgmental words these comments are padded by.)  I am suffocated by what I should do because I’m a Christian and this is further exacerbated by the fact that Nick’s passion in life is ministry…hardly a fault but not something I desire to do forever.  We want different things in life and I can’t ask him to give up his biggest passion…and something that positively impacts so many people.  I can’t see myself ever being happy to have him give that up.  He says he would.  He’ll do anything to keep our marriage and make things work…this is 100% my decision and I take that ownership.  It doesn’t make it easier because this is my choice.  No matter how many details I give, or explain until I’m out of breath all the little things that are not ok with our marriage…it will not satisfy several of you.  I’m ok with that as well and like I said I’m not talking bad about Nick.  This is not his fault…in full, I take my share of responsibility and the details are between us.
I just want you to know that this is where we are at and the reason we are here is because it’s what I have chosen.  I feel as though to be in a better place myself it’s not going to happen within the confines of our marriage.  I’ll be honest in saying that I want to make choices people will not be proud of me for…I’ve got some life to figure out and that’s part of it.  I’m ok with that as well.  I’m “coming to my own” and feeling that I need to figure out who I am aside from what people want me to be.  It’s going to be a growing process and I anticipate hearing a lot how stupid I am…I’m ok with that.  I’m reconciled to do what is right for me and I hate that it means making decisions that hurt others…when it was also my decision to get married in the first place…knowing that ministry is where life was going.  Life is not always what we hope it will be or what we expect it to become.  I’m learning to be ok with that as well.    

As I’ve told Nick there is not another Man (or woman as my Mother asked…LOL) I’m not on drugs and I’ve not become an alcoholic.  I find myself wanting to date again and also wanting to go for a drink(s) with my friends.  I don’t find myself wanting to get belligerently drunk and make a million bad choices, but I do find that the choices I’m leaning toward at this time are different from what I have always chosen before.  Hind sight is 20/20 and in retrospect if I would have made different choices…choices that I’m letting myself not feel guilty for making now, prior to committing my life to Nick I would change it.  I can’t.  What I can change is the resentment and bitterness growing within myself and this is the way I’m choosing to do that…regardless of how it is accepted or not.

I have to say that today as I am about to post this…after sitting on it for a week and after talking with Nick about it (Give him some space…he’s preaching at a camp right now and his focus is on that…don’t bombard him with e-mails and texts…at least until Monday.  This is not news in his world, though it may be in yours.)  I am angry.  I have heard so much assuming and judgment from people who have heard something or seen something and questioned if there is another man.  These comments are coming mostly from the Nazarene’s…(for those of you whom I love and you know it, don’t be offended at this next statement, it’s not about you…) I am so over you.  You showed me who Jesus was and within just a few years time you have been the biggest culprits of ripping my faith apart.  You make me sick and I want NOTHING to do with you.  If I am supposed to turn into the kind of “Christian” you have been in my world the past few years, you can keep it.  Just because you don’t like my decision and my choices these days does not mean I am immoral.  I’m not cheating on my husband…though apparently that would be easier to reconcile within yourselves.  I don’t even have a desire to cheat.  Am I going to date again, yes.  Do I want that RIGHT NOW, nope.  I want to be by myself and be ok with where I am at.  You need to be as well. 

It’s time to get back to feeling ok about being me and me feels like loving people right where they are, not where they could be, not where the church wants to push them to be, not where they feel like they need to be for other people…but right where they are because they are ok with where they are.  I don’t care if this “doesn’t align with scripture”.  I don’t care what scripture says…scripture doesn’t feel right when it’s used the way it has been lately, so take that scripture and your lectures and stick it where the sun don’t shine.  Do I love my Jesus?  Yep.  Do I want to grow closer to him, Yep.  Do I read the bible to do that, yep.  Do I believe in what the bible says…yep.  Do I believe what it says in the context of how some of you use it…not at all.          

I’m going to love my Jesus passionately again someday, probably never again in the church…and I’m ok with that.  Probably never again within the box that most “Christians” I know expect things to look…and I’m also ok with that.  I’m ok with me and I’m ok where I am.  If you aren’t don’t stir stuff up that isn’t there just because you need drama.  Nick and I have had extensive talks and though this isn’t easy, though he is heart-broken, we are getting through this somehow together.  So, keep your opinions to yourself or tell them to me personally.  I can take it.  I can handle your disappointment if you can handle my blunt honesty.