Monday, April 07, 2008

The Beauty of Being Broken.

So, I had said that I would post more later on the thoughts that came from some prayer on what I should focus on a discipline. And...I guess now is as good of a time as any...
It was one of those "Ah Ha" moments that you really hate when it comes down to it. That pit in your stomach that comes with the heavy realization of just where you are. Where you’ve let yourself go. It’s that moment when if a mirror were in front of you and you looked in- you might not see that same face staring back at you as you expected to find. In my heart’s prayer on discipline and where I should be with it, I just have been asking God to show me on where to be, what to focus on. The megaphone answer I got of "JUST FOCUS ON SOMETHING, MINDY...BE DISCIPLINED IN SOMETHING FOR ME...ANYTHING!" Was not what I was expecting to hear back, nor really what I wanted to hear. Not what I’d like to admit, nor a place where I even want to begin. It’s a place that has forced me to look at the way I’ve been doing things and see how much easier I could have come to this point in the first place had He been in control all along. Shameful.
None the less, it is true and it is where I am. I found myself sitting there in one little peaceful moment feeling the weight of this direction. I pictured myself looking out over the space of life and seeing this jumbled up mess. I don’t mean for this to come across like I’ve made all these tons of (or even a few minor) mistakes that I’m dwelling on. It’s not like that. It’s the realization that I’ve been running my life for awhile now, and I suck at it. I need to be disciplined in something because I could make God’s heart happy right now by taking a step to do anything...and it would be monumental in comparison to the effort I’ve given him - probably over the last year or so. I just came to this "happy place" and allowed myself to start running the show. I’m tired. My brain is chaotic and my body is not as healthy as it was. I’m indulgent and unbelievably selfish. I am not as deeply touched by the little beautiful things in life as I used to be, because I’m too busy taking care of me to even notice them.
It’s like I told Nick the other day through a very tiny voice and face of tears..."I need Jesus." I just need him. It’s not even that I need more...more would be if I had allowed myself to have some and then I was getting more. No, I feel like I need Him all together. I need the person He is to possess me and get me back to better than I’ve ever been before. It’s funny, because when you realize that you need discipline in every area and every way...where do you begin? So...this is where I’m beginning. In a fragile little place that starts with letting go. In a wonderful place of slow and clear rather than rushed and "grabby". I’m getting back to being intentional...
and I know it because today I noticed how beautiful the sky was....and because my brain is peaceful...because I’m writing this at all...and least in my world...the air just smells cleaner when Jesus is in it...and today it does.